BLOGGER TAN

Sunset.

2011-03-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

After two long years of struggle, Hippopotamas is closed for good.

The failure to break into the local celebrity blogger scene and the lack of sponsorship have accelerated the unavoidable closure.

Thanks all for the support and sweet memories.

You may still contact Quitter Tan at tan_pao_wei@hotmail.com.

All the best to my readers.

Happy Bearday

2011-02-28T07:39:00.000-08:00

Time doesn't exist. Clocks exist.

And again the clock decided it is time for Bearbear Tan's birthday. It is easy the first 4 times, but this year will be the 5th time Coordinator Tan is celebrating with her. When you have given all kind of food as presents for the past few years it is quickly becoming harder to think of fresh ~~food~~ ideas for present.

Then Coordinator Tan suddenly decided that enough is enough.

When you give a bear a fish, she can only eat for a day. But when you give a bear a bicycle, she can cycle to everywhere to eat.

So Coordinator Tan coordinated help from his usual faithful friends to set on a mission to build a sturdy bicycle fit for the bear.

For a start, Coordinator Tan hired Lecher Wu as his consultant. Lecher Wu started stealing bicycles at a young age, hence he has vast experience under his belt; he specialised in spraying bicycle parts ~~to prevent the owner from finding them back~~ to the required color.

Lecher Wu putting his past experience to good use.

Then Coordinator Tan awarded the project of re-wrapping the bicycle seat to Hairy-hand Wong. As the name suggests, Hairy-Hand Wong has a reputation of slick and hairy hands, especially when in close proximity with girls sleeping in train or in fully-packed bus. Hence, it is no dispute that Hairy-hand Wong has the most skillful hand to re-wrap the seat to the desired color.

Hairy-hand Wong during the seat receiving ceremony. He can't wait to wrap the original black seat to a new color!

After engaging more friends to customise other parts such as basket and pedal etc, the bicycle is finally ready to commission!

Lecher Wu even gave his signature ride to the bicycle nakedly, just like how he used to do that to all his victims.

"Ahhh the good old days.... without the struggle and screamings.."

Lastly, the biggest obstacle was to transport the prized bicycle from the scrapyard to Bearbear Tan's house. But nothing is gonna stop Coordinator Tan.

Not when it involves living his life under the paw of the bear for the next one year.

After reminiscence the good old days with Biker Chan (who has since sold his bike and drive a BangVan now), Coordinator Tan finally managed to convince the retired Biker to transport the re-furbished bicycle to Bearbear Tan's house.

Biker Chan and Lecher Wu loading the bicycle and a box full of food for the bear into the BangVan.

Luckily for Coordinator Tan, the project was commissioned just in time for the Bear's birthday. And once again Coordinator Tan managed to renew his lifespan for one more year, just like a library book having its due date extended.

But only until the bear's next birthday.

Instantly the Bear rode the bicycle in search of food the first day she received it!

Have a project but can't get around to do it? Need help with your big event? Engage Coordinator Tan and his friends now! Contact them at Coordinator_Tan@HOTMALE.COM and receive discounted rates now!

JOHNNIE WORKER

2011-02-13T01:52:00.000-08:00

Chinese New Year is a joyful season for all families and friends to gather, catch up and eat Bak Kwa.

But not for Worker Tan.

Instead, he has to sell his time and soul through this festive period and work.

After all, Worker Tan is going to graduate in a few months’ time and he needs to buff up his resume.

With only a prospective 3rd Class Honors, his chances of getting a good job is slim unless he shows off his work experiences.

Prospective employers may take a glimpse at Worker Tan’s resume.

NEA - Environmentalist (Dec'06 - Aug’08)

- Ability to work under hot sun and foul conditions
- Good relationships with Bangalas.

Reason for quitting – Looking for career advancement

Heng Tiong Investment Illegal Limited - Card dealer (Aug’08 – March’09)

- Handled large amount of ~~black money~~ responsibilities
- Excellent ~~threatening skills~~ sales
- Alert, sharp eye ~~for police~~ and fast ~~runner~~ learner

Reason for quitting – Company collapsed due to tip off.

Singapore Turf Club - Sales assistant (April’09 – Present)

- Good ~~threantening~~ persuading skills (esp elderly >55 year old whom has just withdraw their CPF money)
- Good crowd control

Worker Tan eyeing the uncles with their hard earn CPF money and persuade them to open a betting account.

Woker Tan fending off the kiasu uncles from Cai Shen Ye(God of Fortune).

Cai Shen Ye managed to survive the mad rush, and request to take a pic with Worker Tan!

Worker Tan will be available to work full time from June 2011. If you are looking to hire a capable and multi- talented worker to advance your company to greater heights, please do not hesitate to drop an email to worker_tan@HOTMALE.COM requesting for his full resume!

Fish Belly

2011-01-29T07:29:00.000-08:00

Blogger Tan attended Methodist school and despite not being a follower, he never doubts the words in the Bible.

Below is one of his many favorite verses in the Holy book:

“But the LORD provided a great fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was inside the fish three days and three nights... And the LORD commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land”
Jonah 1:17, 2:10.

When called upon to serve God, Jonah chose to run away instead. By running from God, Jonah found himself in the greatest crisis of his life. However, God intervened and ordered the fish (whale) to swallow him up and thus prevent him from drowning.

Today, Blogger Tan believed that the fish is everywhere: in school, workplace, MRT, government policy etc. To get into the belly, one has to work hard and smart.

Last year, Blogger Tan got inspired by the words and managed to devise a strategy called FISH BELLY and had a relatively good 2010. Below are just some of the few techniques in the strategy to help all readers to enter the belly safely for this (Chinese) New Year.

Technique 1: Health
Go running.

Pretend that the snooze button doesn’t exist. Learn to like cold wind. Exhaust smell is your companion. Put your heart before your knees. Make excuses to keep going. Reward a long run with a short run. And reward a short run with a long run.

By following this routine, Blogger Tan managed to complete his second Marathon in 5hr 14min, although still short of his target of <5hours.

Technique 2: Social
Only put one song that you really like in your Ipod. But don’t replay it. Just download the song 1000 times so you will never have to replay it. Offer your Ipod to others whenever possible. You will seem cooler than others.

By following this routine, Blogger Tan manage to make many friends on his Facebook; from 8 friends in January 2010 to 600+ by the end of 2010!

Technique 3: Academics
Start early.

Doesn’t matter if you sleep half the time. Doesn’t matter if you don’t understand. If you stare hard enough at the books, the books will stare back at you.

By following this routine, Blogger Tan managed an all time high of 3.4 GPA!

Technique 4: Finance
Start a Blog. Write nonsense. Utter rubbish. The more you write about nothing, the more audience you got. Just remember to put your bank account number in your post.

By following this routine, Blogger Tan randomly receive money ($219, $7800 etc) in his bank from his anonymous readers, sometimes accompanied with an email stating how pathetic he is and hope the small amount of money helps.

Yearning to have a successful 2011? Dying to follow the success path of Blogger Tan? Transfer any amount to POSB bank saving account 040301755 and drop an email to belly_tan@HOTMALE.com to get the full FISH BELLY version now!

Be prepared to be so overwhelmed with emotion from the techniques that you will cry so hard that you will puke. And then you will be so angry when what happens really sets in and realised life really is just so easy with FISH BELLY!

Pretendence Pain

2011-01-13T08:24:00.000-08:00

No one understands Blogger Tan, and he is tired of putting up a strong front.

What he longs for, is just a lunch group to gossip with during break, a clique to hang out after school, or even a show of concern from his friends.

But it seems like he has no one to call as friend, only project-mates chasing his ass for deadlines, acquaintances who don't even know his name saying hi/bye and emails from his FYP Prof to screw him.

While Facebook has made almost everyone’s life fun and fulfilling, it only made Blogger Tan more depressed; it magnifies his boring life.

Seeing all his “friends” on Facebook uploading their oh-so-happening pictures, Blogger Tan could only click 'like' and hope that people might notice his existence and perhaps, perhaps they might be kind enough to post something on his wall or poke him.

But that never happens.

Sometimes his acquaintances would ask why he never uploads pictures and he could only give lame excuses like “oh I am too busy” or “ I couldn’t find my camera cable”.

The truth is that his pictures are as boring as himself. For example, if he were to post pictures of his Christmas celebration , it would be something like this.

Horses and me having helluva time for christmas!

Christmas tree and me, oh I am so larger than life!

Me taking picture with my friend, I am so popular!

Also, few times he commented on other people’s pictures but he couldn’t find his comments again later. Or his friends in Facebook decrease by 2 on average every month. Can someone verified is that a bug in Facebook?

Despite being a loser in real life, Blogger Tan never gives up trying online.

But almost without fail, everytime he logs in to Facebook he will see this.

0 updates

But once in a blue moon, he might see this and that’s when he will jump up and down.

SOME LIFE ON FACEBOOK FINALLY!

Only to find that its just some random blog shop advertisement like
Indian traditional dresses

Indian bride

And Blogger Tan never knows there were such a function call "Event", until last week when he got like 15 invitation!

Only to find out its spam again..

“It’s ok” Blogger Tan thought. Logging in to MSN messenger will be better. And true enough, the moment he logged in, his friends all swamp to him!

HELL YEA

He was so gonna tell them his life stories, only to find out they are

Viruses...

So friends, please, the next time you see Blogger Tan on MSN, talk to him. Or if you log in to Facebook, poke him or write anything on his wall to make his life worth living before 2012 comes.

HELP NEEDED

2011-01-02T04:03:00.000-08:00

The recent Wikileak has caused an uproar in the international news. Relationships between countries reached a new low in the midst of all the finger-pointings and many high profile people were among the centre of controversies.

Unfortunately, Blogger Tan was not spared from this strange ordeal; details of Blogger Tan’s personal life were exposed on the Wikileak website as well.

Government spokesman has confirmed that Blogger Tan went missing since the leaks and rescue operations by the special forces are still underway to locate him.

~~Spastic~~ Special forces

For the unaware, the following were extracted from the Wikileak server on Blogger Tan.

On 13th Dec 2010, 0046hours, Blogger Tan was found strolling around the Nanyang Lake.

Under the cover of darkness, he was actually found fishing with Blogger Chan at Nanyang Lake, illegally.

His comrade caught a 800 gram Patin ,but Blogger Tan only managed to hook a tortoise (estimated 5kg). Instead of letting the poor tortoise go scot-free, Blogger Tan cut the line off, leaving the hook in its mouth.

The cruel act left the tortoise’s life in eternal pain.
Environmentalists bashed that the tortoise will die within 1 week cos’ it will not be able to eat with the hook stucked in its mouth.

Blogger Tan caught committing the inhumane act- cutting the line off.

However, Blogger Tan retaliated that he was left with no choice as the tortoise is too heavy to be lifted out of the water. In addition to that, it keeps hiding its head inside the shell. Nothing could be done to take out the hook.

On another account, Blogger Tan’s blog was found to strive on his readers’ unhealthy addiction. He frequently uses sexual topics to entice his victims/readers to camp by his blog.

Wikileak released the top searches of his blog’s content.

His blog attracts interest in various topics such as "sex Indian hairy", "Indian wearing a turban" etc.

Some weird subjects include " are all indian tan", and "very fair person in need of a tan".

" tan indian sex trade"

Another popular hit on his blog is Felicia Chin, whom readers were directed to his blog by searching on " Felicia Chin nus",

as well as "Felicia Chin armpit" and many other keywords such as Felicia chin legs, felicia chin nude etc.

When contacted on the inappropriate content on his blog (before he went missing), Blogger Tan defended that he is merely discussing on his inner most desire and did not flaunt any law. He added that it is just coincidence that the search engine directed readers to his blog on keywords like sex, hairy, turban, armpit etc.

Another aspect of Blogger Tan's life was also exposed on Wikileaks.

It was reported that despite appearing as a good boyfriend, Blogger Tan actually ikes to force Bearbear Tan to roleplay against her wishes. The following pictures were taken from his laptop (unknowingly) when he sends it for repair.

Blogger Tan forcing Bearbear Tan to act as a deer.

Again, on a separate occasion.

There is allegedly more than 400+ pictures found on his laptop, taken secretly without Bearbear Tan's consent. It includes Bearbear Tan being forced to act as other characters which include hippopotamus and bear.

It is believed that Blogger Tan was kidnapped after his behaviours were exposed by Wikileaks.

Now his family is pleading readers to make donations to pay for the ransom to the kidnappers, as well as to keep this blog going.

Kind-hearted people may transfer money to Blogger Tan's POSB bank 040301755, or email their credit card number to Blogger_tan@HOTMALE.COM

You who?

2010-12-13T09:31:00.000-08:00

So where is Blogger Tan?

Bear with me

2010-11-23T08:55:00.000-08:00

So where is Blogger Tan?

Everything is gonna be all right.

2010-11-13T07:05:00.000-08:00

Find out what happen to Blogger Tan in the next update.

Whats your ride?

2010-10-17T07:17:00.000-07:00

Many has accused Biker Tan of riding a bike cos’ he wants to act cool and cheat girls. But he would like to respectfully disagree to the wrong images he is portraying; he can’t help it that he looks cool and girls are all attracted to him naturally.

Biker Tan rides a bike not because he loves to, but because it saves him money.

Yes, contrary to popular belief, riding a fuel-economical bike like Sara cost you less than public transport.

Sara Nakota (the one with 2 wheels, not 2 boobs)

Below is a simple calculation of riding Sara and taking public transport on a monthly basis.

Public Transportation
Bus&MRT Concession Pass= $94
Unavoidable taxi ride /month = 2 x $15 = $30
Total: $124

Sara the Bike
Gas = 4 x full tank in Malaysia = RM22 x 4 = RM88 = $34.70
{4 full tanks give Biker Tan 2000km, and to give a perspective of how much is 2000km: A round trip from Serangoon to NTU is 50km; the fuel consumption of Sara is about 40km per litre.)

Engine oil changed every 3000km = $10
Insurance = $400 / 12months = $33
Road Tax = $64 / 12 months = $5.30
Car park season parking = $15
ERP = $10
Changing of tyres yearly = $150 / 12months = $15

Total = $123.10

As you can see, taking public transport would have cost Biker Tan $124 monthly, while Sara cost him about $123 or almost identical. But with Sara, Biker Tan can cut down his commuting time by about 56%, not to mention the freedom to go anywhere.

But there are always 2 sides to a coin.

Although riding a bike gives him lots of convenience, Biker Tan definitely feels that his life is consistently on the line. Many a time drivers almost knock Biker Tan down due to their incapability of checking blind spot, or simply just want to test his agility.

But sometimes Biker Tan has no one to blame but himself for rushing and rides a little too fast, squeezing between cars. So from times to times he will remind himself to ride responsibly for his loved ones.

Better be Mr. Late than late Mr.

And it's not that Biker Tan loves Sara more than Bearbear Tan, cos unlike Bearbear Tan who can regain her health on her own, Sara can't. Any slight problem would cost Biker Tan a substantial amount. Like what happened to Sara in the last 2 weeks.

A broken number plate: $15

and a damaged IU Unit: $150 (Bye Mr. Bump)

Random repairs like this bring the cost of riding a bike up, but everything aside, owning a bike should be more economical in the long run.

Biker Tan decided to put Lord Ganesh (Indian elephant God) on his bike to protect him and Sara.

New tattoo on Sara.

Transformation Challenge: Week 2

Result: 77kg, -2kg . Not much changes in photo comparison within a week, but Dietitian Tan did look a bit better, perhaps due to a darker skin tone.

Dietitian Tan has run 3 times this week, totaling about 25km and watches his diet pretty closely, not counting the one buffet he had this week. His jeans have fit him better, but the main problem still plaques him.

Armpit sweat.

Will Dietitian Tan gain weight when he goes into his one week break from school next week?

Stay tune for more!

Health is Wealth

2010-10-09T08:13:00.000-07:00

Blogger Tan has a friend who used to be tall, dark and handsome.

Blogger Tan always feel very inferior walking beside him cos he's like a girl-magnet; they would fall all over him and he wouldn't even blink his eyes.

He could run a 2.4 under 10 minutes easily.
However, things has changed.

Today, he has gained 10kg in under 24weeks. Girls don't fall all over him anymore, but he did fall over his own legs very frequently with that belly jiggling all over the place.

He is still tall, dark and handsome, if you like pear.

None of his friends knows what is the reason/motivation behind his change of body shape, but many spectaculated that he is preparing for the Christmas season.

Acting as a Santa Claus earns good money after all. And he is getting close.

After looking at his friend, Blogger Tan suddenly realised that he has gained 5kg too since he has left for India.

He is now tipping the scales at 79kg. His jeans are getting really tight and some of his tee shirts are getting too tight to wear comfortably.

So from this week onwards, Blogger Tan will watch his diet and tries to drop some pounds. His weight and picture will be updated weekly to show his progress.

Week 1 - 79kg

Blogger back all right.

2010-09-09T09:36:00.000-07:00

While 2010 is going into it's final months for many, it has just started for Singaporean Tan; after spending more than 8 months abroad, Singaporean Tan is finally back in town.

But it could not start in a worst way.

In his first 1 week upon coming back to Singapore, he has to tow his beloved Sara to the workshop 2 times, spending almost $400 to bring her back to life.

Sara having heart surgery :(

And Bearbear Tan was disappointed when Sara was finally revived.

When Singaporean Tan thought that is all that he has to settle, he receveived a letter from LTA within the next few days. And he never hear any thing but bad news from LTA.

And true enough, he got a $130 fine for riding on a bus lane. He is sick of practising his letter writting skills, like what he did for his pavement fine and parking at loading bay fine. So Singaporean Tan decided to go down to the LTA personally to practise his verbal skills instead.

Singaporean Tan in the interview room ~~seducing~~ explaining to the lady. She did not pay attention at all, but just keep looking at his hair.

~~Nice hair~~ Good talking skills works!

After that, Singaporean Tan's life goes on as normal, like before he left for India.

Or so he thought.

Until something changed his life completely 2 days later:

While he was riding through Little India to reminiscene the days surrounded by Indians, he saw an Indian cyclist cycling across the road. But a probation plated car was going extremely fast towards him. With no hint of slowing down, Singaporean Tan immediately squeezed his horn to warn the situation.

But its too late. The worst could not be avoided.

The Indian cyclist was knocked over and blood jus oozed out from his face profusely.

Onlookers helped to carry the motionless body to the side after about 5 minutes.

And the final straw came when Singaporean Tan has learnt that Felicia Chin has gone to NUS study to business instead of NTU to study Mechanical Engineering!

Singaporean Tan would do anything to be Felicia Chin's chin.

After a series of unfortunate events, Singaporean has decided to do something.

To trade for all Indians and his luck, Singaporean Tan has cut away his long and sexy hair, hoping the trade of sex appeal to luck should be fair to the god.

If you wish to buy Singaporean Tan's hair, please email Singapore_tan@HOTMALE.com.

Traveller Tan

2010-07-01T23:52:00.001-07:00

Blogger Tan will be gone by today. See what Traveller Tan is doing.

INDIA PART 16 – SINGLE SINGH SINGING

2010-06-16T21:07:00.000-07:00

INDIA PART 16 – Single Singh Singing

Not too long ago, while Indian Tan was walking on the India street, a sinister Singh single-handedly signalled him over. The Singh introduced himself as Baboo, and told Indian Tan that he is very impressed with his long and straight hair. He claimed that with that hair quality, Indian Tan would easily wrap the greatest turban his Singh society will ever see.

Baboo Singh and Indian Tan

Baboo Singh then offered to take Indian Tan under his wing, promising him that in no time he would be able to tie a turban like him too. Indian Tan ponders over the prospect of wearing a turban instead of a helmet while riding Sara, then finally agreed to learn from him despite the animosity.

To show his sincerity, Baboo Singh immediately took off his turban on the spot and demonstrates that wrapping a turban is no more difficult than wrapping a Popiah. The pictures below are taken in multi-shots mode to capture all the steps, as Baboo Singh only uses 0.523 seconds to tie his turban back into shape again. Impressive!

Indian Tan will now try to teach the steps on how to tie a turban.

First, curl your hair into a bun and rest it on top of your head.

A Singh caught without a turban!

Then straighten the 6metre long turban with a help of a fiend ( someone you don't like so he will get a sniff of it), tying 6 knots along it with each segment approximately 1metre.

Tie a thin cap over the head to hold the hair in place. You have to do it Rambo-style to get a better turban.

Bite on to one end of the ~~smelly~~ turban while wrapping the turban cloth around your head, in an anticlockwise manner.

Wrap the turban around the head at least 10 times, while adjusting the shape at the same time. Baboo Singh's secret is to use the Sine formula to calculate the symmetry of the turban. He suggested Indian Tan to use the Tangent formula but definately not the Cosine theorem.

Released the end from your mouth and slot it to the top of the head.

You are now qualified as a Turbanator!!

Are you interested to tie your own turban? Or want to own a turban worn by a real Singh?
Now is your Chance! Indian Tan has managed to ~~steal~~ acquire Baboo Singh’s turban!

Just write a passage of not more than 100 pages on Why You Should Get The Turban and send to Singh_Tan@hotMALE.com .

India part 15 – Marriage Matters

2010-06-08T20:35:00.000-07:00

India part 15 – Marriage Matters
Agent Tan has been visiting many rural villages and even more hours of meeting parents to arrange marriages later, his new venture has finally taken off.

Welcome to the TAN INDIAN BRIDE AGENCY!

After a few business failures which include opening money exchange outlets and mama shops, the TAN INDIAN BRIDE AGENCY is finally the answer to earn money in this black market. Wedding is a big occasion to anyone but the Indian has taken it to an entirely new level. If you are sick of the traditional mundane marriage, Indian wedding may be your cup of tea.

Before the ceremony begins, the women are already dancing at every corner of the street to the broadcasted music.

They jammed up the whole village and the children will climb to higher ground to avoid being stomped on.

There is no lack of beauties in the chaos and even Agent Tan is very tempted by them.

Sexy!

Hot!

Then the grooms arrived in metal horse carriage and are being carried on Indian's back to the ceremony stage.

They are not allowed to touch the ground.
(Please add $200 extra to the agent fee if you are above 75kg)

When the ceremony started proper, the whole tentage will be filled with at least 242342 Indians and even Moses would be tempted to part this black sea and add to his resume.

The groom would get to peek at the Indian bride behind a cloth and then after a long time of waiting and hearing the MC shouting at the microphone, he will get to put a flower necklace over his wife.

Then the most exciting part is to touch your father’s feet at the end of the wedding ceremony!

Founder of the epic agency

What are you waiting for? Visit http://www.tan-indian-bride-agency.com/ and choose from the wide array of Indian brides now!

You will get to experience traditional Indian wedding as mentioned above, plus all the candidates in the Tan Indian Bride Agency are tested personally by Agent Tan to be ~~virgin~~ Virtuous!***

**** while stock last.

India Part 14 - INDIA THE CONFUSED COUNTRY

2010-05-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

India is one of planet’s most multi-dimensional countries, and even the most seasoned travellers may have problem taking it down when they step into this alien territory. Be it the weather, the way their system works or the attitude of the Indians, it seems that everyone, eveything just want to bring you to your knees.

Although the media can’t stop hyping on India as the up and coming country, it can’t be any further than the truth; until you been to this country, you know it won’t happen any time soon. Perhaps it will, given another 143 years.

The poverty is imminent everywhere and it can be very intimating.

Beggars will stick to you if your skin is not black.

Anywhere can be home if you have no home.

And of course, when there are people in need of help, there must be someone to help. After living in this extraordinary country for 5 months, the one has finally helped enough people to earn the reputation of Philanthropist Tan!

Philanthropist Tan

Philanthropist Tan never turns down any person in need of help, even if the person is ugly.

Meet Traveller Chan, who is the latest benefiter of Philanthropist Tan’s kindness.

No, the picture is not photochopped at all; Traveller Chan’s face has a certified roughness of Grade 2 sandpaper. Having travelled to Cambodia, Vietnam, Thailand, Indonesia, Japan for backpacking trips, Traveller Chan is a well known ~~rough face~~ tough guy among his friends. But not anymore.

Since touching down in Delhi 2 weeks ago, Traveller Chan has been suffering from the scorching heat of the 45 Degree Celsius weather. He has to walk around with his bright red umbrella and there is nothing much he could do. The final straw came after he has touched the Taj Mahal, when the marble is radiating far more heat than he could endure.

Soon after that, Traveller Chan went straight back to his shared dormitory. He knew he has to take off all his clothes before he suffers a heat stroke. He drifted in and out of conscious for about 72hours, seeing blurred images of fellow backpackers going in and out. He is not sure what happened during that period of time, but he sure woke up with a sore butt.

Traveller Chan woke up with a sore butt.

His budget wouldn’t allow him to sleep in a aircon room at all, yet he knew he will die if he continues in this extreme weather of India. The heat flux are trapped within the holes of his face and to keep matter worst, rough skin is a poor insulator and generate thermal entropy at a faster rate than his body can dissipate.

He knew he only had one last shot, and if it fails he will die in the Land of the Curry. So, Traveller Chan took a 18hours train ride to Pune to find Philanthropist Tan. When Philanthropist Tan saw traveller Chan standing by his door hallucinating, he already knew what India has done to this rough young man.

Traveller Chan trying his last shot with Philanthropist Tan.

Wasting no time, Philanthropist Tan immediately usher him into his room and turn on the aircon to full throttle.

Traveller Chan immediately make himself at home

and turn Philanthropist Tan's house into a mess.

After ~~freeloading~~ recuperating in his house for 4 days, Philanthropist Tan is finally able to ~~chase~~ see Traveller Chan off for his subsequent journey.

If you have any friends visiting India, please give them the contacts of Philanthropist Tan for emergency purpose, as Philanthropist Tan never turn anyone away!
He can be contacted at Philanthropist_Tan@HOTMALE.com .

India Part 13 - FOOD

2010-05-17T05:20:00.000-07:00

India Part 13 - FOOD

Gourmet Tan has finally be able to appreciate the cliché that Singapore is actually a food haven. It has dawned on him that the most difficult thing for him to leave behind when he leave for India is actually ~~Bearbear Tan~~ the food. But it is such an irony when one of the reasons that attract him to India is its food and yet he misses the food back home.

There is not much variety of food to choose from ~~with his small budget~~ , and finding good food is even harder. The only sure-hit food in India is the typical fast food outlets from McDonalds and Subway, but they are hard to come by. Gourmet Tan estimated that the odds of seeing a fastfood outlet in India is as rare as seeing an upskirt moment.
McDonalds but no upskirt. Can't have best of both worlds.

KFC and Hot Male (on the right), Both of both worlds!

After eating the same food over and over again in India, Gourmet Tan is now confident enough to educate his readers on the traditional food of India.

First of all, we shall study a family of food known as Curry. In Singapore, if you order a bowl of Curry, it will always be a bowl of Curry. But in India the mention of curry is as complicated as trying to debate if the universe was truly created by the Big Bang or by God. Curry takes into a much more different array of flavors in India. Lets take a look at some of the curries.

Mughagal curry

Kadai curry

Hyderabadi curry

Butter chicken curry

The curries shown above are just the scratch of the surface. There are still 23094 different kind of curries that Gourmet Tan has yet to try.

Now we will look at another family of food known as the staple food. The main staple food in India is Chapatti. The Indians would prefer chapatti over rice, just like how ~~Gourmet Tan~~ Singaporean men would prefer love than sex. To the untrained eyes, Chapatti may look like the typical Prata of Singapore, but they are not the same. In fact, Gourmet Tan has discovered that there are 2 other food in India which look like Prata as well, called Naan and Roti.

If you think the above pictures all are the same food, you are not alone, but definately wrong. Don’t worry, cos’ even Gourmet Tan has difficulties identifying them when he first came to India.

A challenger has appeared!

2010-05-03T20:57:00.000-07:00

The Taj Hotel

For decades, The Taj Hotel is taunted as the most prestigious hotel in India.
Until recently, a real challenger has appeared.

The ~~Taj~~ Tan Hotel

Owner of The Tan Hotel

The Tan Hotel may have opened its doors in Pune for only a few months, but it has been receiving raving reviews from all guests and competitors alike. At the moment, the India Hotel Board (IHB) is still evaluating its ratings but the local papers are expecting a rating of no less than 6.82 stars for the sensational hotel.

Let’s find out from a group of returning guests on what makes them keep going back to The Tan Hotel everytime they visit Pune.

First of all, they love the atmosphere which made them able to express themselves comfortably.

The guests feel totally at home.

The rooms are always in tip top condition, as The Tan Hotel only hires efficient and hardworking Indians to prepare the room.

The housekeeping staff will dust the beds everyday,

and straighten the linen using Indian footwork. Absolutely no iron used to save electricity!

To make the experience more intimidate, The Tan Hotel’s rooms have limited blankets and aircon with no remote control. The air con is so cold that the group has no choice but to hug each other to gather warmth and ~~take advantage of the girls~~ sleep.

The guest can choose between two types of breakfast: either the Mcdonald Set,

or the famous Love Set, which is served by the staff giving ~~extra service~~ room service.

~~Extra~~ Room service anyone?

The guests are allowed to observe (no touching allowed) the chef

preparing the food

and more.

Last but not least, The Tan Hotel also organises activities and celebrate birthday which make the guests go wild and high.

high!

wild!

What are you waiting for?

Email the owner at The_Tan_Hotel@hotMale.com now for discouted rates!

India Part 12 - Trek

2010-04-22T04:11:00.000-07:00

Trekker Tan was first introduced to Indian trekking 3 months back as part of the Indian University curriculum. When told about it, he imagined all kind of steep slopes and endless climbs. The images Trekker Tan conjectured in his mind sent shivers down his balls.

But what a trek it is? The trek is no more than a walk in the park, and took them only 15 minutes to reach to the climax of the hill. And some of them even reached their climax literally.

While other couldn’t believe their luck that the trek could end so fast and painless.

So much for the fear of “trekking”.

A couple of weeks ago, Trekker Tan was chatting with his colleague during lunch break ~~using sign languages~~. He came to know that his colleague is going to trek to a temple during that weekend. Knowing the Indians will never have the heart to reject him due to his mysterious aura, Trekker Tan asked to tag along and his colleague agreed relutantly.

His colleague warned him that it is gonna be a tough 60minutes trek to the temple. Keeping in mind the Indian version of “trekking” from the previous experience, Trekker Tan know it’s just gonna be another stroll. Trekker Tan even boosted to his colleague that he was trained in Army and if anything, he will even be able to reach the peak in half of that time.

Then that weekend they went for the trek to the temple.

Trekker Tan even wore the Standard Chartered Marathon shirt to show that he is not just another guy with good looks, but with also with good stamina.

Just after 30minutes of walk, Trekker Tan sees the temple already.
The temple.

And instantly Trekker Tan’s expression goes

Then goes

When his colleague pointed at the direction of the correct temple.

Trekker Tan almost had a heart attack. He feels like stabbing a knife into his eyes.

He was secretly hoping the temple is actually not that far away, instead the temple is actually so tiny which explains why he could only see an orange dot.

Then his colleague rubs more salt into his wound: “Army more tough neh?”

This time round Trekker Tan was dumbfounded and just nod his head. The next 60 minutes of trekking really brought out the best in him.

Trekker Tan walked and climbed and crawled. Every step brings him closer to the temple, but also closer to resignation. Even though thinking himself as the ambassador of all Singaporean men, Trekker Tan could only managed to plant one foot at a time, one step ahead of another to catch up with his Indian counterpart who seems to be floating ahead effortlessly.

The temple slowly becomes bigger. But the nearer Trekker Tan is to it, the smaller the distance he can cover with each step. He dare not look to his left or right, because he knew that on both sides of him was a sheer drop of several hundreds of feet.

“Look up, ignore everything around you and battle on”, Trekker Tan urges himself.

One foot forward, and half a step back, just how much can his body endure? Every now and then, he could feel the solid rock beneath him give way and he mustered the last ounce of energy and leap to the nearest foothold he could find. He was amazed how he was able to squeeze out the energy time and time again.

Despite losing his balance and falling on his backside a several times, Trekker Tan managed to keep moving until the temple is within his reach.

Nearer but how much more?

For the first time in his life, Trekker Tan has bowed to his fate. Cos' he realized that he is no longer the young and fit guy he once was...

He knows that when he gets older, it will be harder and harder for him to get harder. And at that time he could only wish Bearbear Tan will be magnanimous to him.

Is she a bear, or is she a bear?

Unknowingly, the thought of the bear tightening her grip on his windpipe and himself struggling under her black hairy paw became the source of Trekker Tan's motivation.

And he finally reached the summit!

Trekker Tan cried a solitary tear and knew his life is never gonna be the same again..

India Part 11- Trip failure

2010-04-14T22:11:00.000-07:00

India Part 11- Trip failure

Indian Tan is yet again invited by a certain Colleague A to his house, but this time round it is to attend a baby naming ceremony. It was something new for Indian Tan and he has no idea what the ceremony would be like so he agreed to it spontaneously, hoping to witness some bizarre activities like baby-running-on-charcoal-barefooted or poking-needles-into-baby.

Indian Tan is a ~~cheapskate~~ very thrifty person so when Colleague B suggested that they should buy a gold necklace for the baby as a gift, Indian Tan was very reluctant. He managed to psycho Colleague B into buying a silver necklace instead. Then Indian Tan followed Colleague B to the shop to make sure he gets the thinnest and cheapest chain.

Indian Tan trying to bargain in Chinese hoping to intimidate them, but end up they charge him more for talking nonsense.

After the gift is wrapped up, Colleague B told Indian Tan that Colleague A’s house is in Solapur, some 250km away and they have to get there by train which cost about 200 rupees. This time round Indian Tan really cursed himself for committing so fast to the invitation and he has to waste so much ~~money~~ time.

Train station filled with Indians, and all kinds of goods and luggages.

Nevertheless it was his first time taking an Indian train so Indian Tan just take it as paying for the experience.

There are are 2984 fans in each carriage.

After 5hours, the train finally pull into the station.

When Indian Tan finally reached Colleague A’s house, the ceremony was over. All Indian Tan could see is just an Indian baby lying on the floor and he was too pissed to even have the basic courtesy to ask what name they give him.

Seeing Indian Tan’s face blacker than his own face, Colleague A try to soothe his mood by telling him some background about the naming ceremony.

He told Indian Tan that pregnancy gender scan is banned in India, as all families would prefer a boy. There are many reported cases of abortions or murders if the baby was found out to be a girl, hence the Indians will only know the gender of the baby after he/she is born. They will then have a baby naming ceremony to mark the occasion.

Amused by this tradition, Indian Tan immediately forget about his anger and joined the other guests for lunch. The lunch is free flow and Indian Tan take revenge by stuffing himself with as much food as he can. There is no pictures to show as he is busy eating.

Indian Tan took the non-aircon bus back to Pune and reached home only at 4am.

Left to Right):Indian Tan, Random Indian, Colleague A, Colleague B

Help needed!

2010-04-09T02:46:00.000-07:00

I gulp down the vegetarian lunch in 14 minutes 38seconds and quickly return to my cubicle.

“Not bad,”,I thought to myself. I have managed to shave off another 2 seconds off my personal best. I still have another 72 lunches before I can officially leave this dreadful office. while I make my way to my seat, my mind starts to wander off to fishball noodles, char kuey teow, laksa......

Once at my wooden chair, I flip up the screen of my laptop in a swift motion and bury my head into it. I try to avoid talking to anyone, or make any eye contact so they can leave me alone.

Then I quickly get back to my business. For the past 3 weeks, I have been monitoring the whole situation 3447.5km away. Once again for the 12th time, I scan through his Facebook, Friendster and read the info I had extracted from his email account few days ago.

No doubt, this guy is gonna strike again..

Lecher Wu is well known for traumatising young minors since his secondary school days but ever since he was caught and put behind the bars, he has turned over a new leaf. Now the closest thing the ex-pedophile touches is PDF file.

However, the recent mocking by his cooler twin brother that he is still single after 25 years, Lecher Wu is back in the game again. It is to everyone’s dismay that despite being raised up in the same environment and look exactly identical, his cooler brother has had already 3 girlfriends and Lecher Wu still stutters around women.

Left Twin Wu, Right Lecher Wu

This time round Lecher Wu does not touch the kids again, thank God.
Instead, he has a new fetish of taking pictures of girls without their consent.

Using the pictures, he will lock himself up in his room and do some kind of ritual. It is not known what kind of ritual he practises, but the experts had estimated that each ritual will last about 5minutes. Upon completion of the ritual, the victim is believed to feel extremely sticky suddenly, no matter where she is.

And the disgusting part is that Lecher Wu will even post on his Facebook when he has chosen his victim.

(Lecher Wu's name protected so no one knows his actual name.)

For the records, the followings are some of his victims.

The third victim being touch.

The fourth victim being photographed without her knowing.

Even friends are not spared

According to reliable intellengence, the next victim is already chosen by Lecher Wu.

Yes.

If Lecher Wu is not stopped early, the next victim will end up like this.

The victim is not yet identified but if anyone has any details, preferably her handphone number and ~~sexy~~ pictures of her, please to Lecher_Tan@hotMALE.com and you will be rewareded handsomely.

India Part 10 - Statictics of Indians

2010-03-29T21:37:00.000-07:00

India Part 10 - Statictics of Indians

Statistician Tan has studied the various behaviors of Indian since his arrival 3 months ago and finally publishes a book called Statistician Tan Statistics.

Number 1 seller for 3 consecutive weeks.

It is published in his book that even the Indians with good command of English will have problems understanding your questions if you do not ask in a specific way. Usually it takes Statistician Tan some hand-flapping actions for the Indians to understand, but sometimes he has to do some torso thrusting or bicep flexing for them to grasp his questions.

The following is taken from page 17 of the book Statistician Tan Statistics.

And of course the Indians have many questions about you, and according to the book Statistician Tan Statistics, each of the following has a chance of 93% hit.

The following is taken from page 84 of the book Statistician Tan Statistics.

*Only applies to Statistician Tan due to his bulging pectorals, but the rest questions still follow the rule of 93% hit.

And there are more interesting statistics about India, just buy Statistician Tan Statistics and you will be ready to embrace India!

The following are just some of the examples pick from the various chapters of the book, such as "Food", "Marriages", "Attitude" etc.

82% of Indians married through Arranged Marriage, while the rest is Love Marriage. The difference between these 2 marriages is defined by Statistician Tan: “Love marriage is when you marry your girlfriend, arranged marriage is when you marry people’s girlfriend.”

The average bank interest of saving account in India is around 5% with some as high as 9%, while DBS in Singapore only has 0.125%.
However, only Indian citizen can open a saving account from the banks in India.

99.4672% of the Indians’ hand phones have no vibration mode.
They must adjust the ringtone to the loudest so everyone can hear they have calls coming in.

53% of all roadside food stalls are named “REAL CHINESE FOOD”.
And 100% sell the same food, fried rice or fried noodles.

When it’s their birthday, 49% of the Indians will go around giving sweets/chocolate in the office, even though they may not know the person he’s giving in another department.

91% of the Indians are vegetarian, even their toothpaste has “100% Veg” on it.

When asking you to wait, 97% of the Indians will say “5 minutes”, but the “5 minutes” is actually a complicated formula of differentiation of the Pascal’s law of dynamics in the base of logarithm which can go up to a few hours. For example, Statistician Tan asked for a TV set 9 weeks ago and the administrator told him it will reach in 3 days. Now Statistician Tan is still waiting despite asking him every week.

What are you waiting for? Email Statistician_Tan@HOTMALE.com now and get a special promotion of just $49.99!

India Part 9 - Hospitable Indians

2010-03-23T01:40:00.000-07:00

India Part 9 - Hospitable Indians
When a pair of D cup boobs popped out from the undersized bra on the crowded dance floor, all the sane guys will immediately rush to have a grab of it. Some skillful ones even managed to suck it.

That is like describing Guest Tan at his work place. Whenever the chance arises, his colleagues will immediately grab him to their house for dinner. Some said it’s because of his exotic skin color, while others argued it’s his erotic small eyes.

But either way, Guest Tan is a very much sought after guest in India.

And when Guest Tan reaches their house, the host’s entire family will already be standing around preparing to welcome him. They can’t wait to shake his hand and this makes Guest Tan feeling very uneasy by their hospitality.

Host Umesh

But Guest Tan has to emphasize that Indians are all very hospitable hosts. His first host, Host Umesh asked his wife to give Guest Tan flowers and that made him thinks of his friend who is undergoing some kind of chemography treatment…

In our loving memories...

His second host is madam Sanjitar.

While at her house, Host Sanjitar suddenly excused herself and summoned her 3 daughters to the kitchen. The next thing that Guest Tan heard was heated arguments, screams which were then followed by sound of punching/scratching. Then finally she sent one of her prettiest daughters ~~who apparently win the fight~~ to put a red dot on his head as a sign of welcome.

Guest Tan was then told that this daughter of hers is gonna get married in May.

When Guest Tan looks into her eyes and congratulate her, he could only see a regretful soul trapped in an empty shell which seems to say “Why didn’t we meet earlier…”

Apparently all Indian families start their dinner at 9pm+. His third host Ganesh, brought Guest Tan to all the temples in the vicinity before dinner starts.

Host Ganesh

Guest Tan can see that the Indians are really very devoted to their gods.

Indians praying sincerely to Indian gods.

During dinner they would try to stuff Guest Tan with as much food as possbile and its no joke.

Either they really like to see Guest Tan eat, or they just wanna see him transform into a Merlion that puke non-stop.

The dinners would always end with them taking a lot of pictures with Guest Tan.

INDIA PART 8

2010-03-16T02:21:00.000-07:00

INDIA PART 8 - Fatality
It has been many days and yet Pillion Tan still couldn’t stop thinking about her; every time he closes his eyes he can still make out the curves on her. Every night Pillion Tan will talk in his sleep and suddenly he will wake up soaked in cold sweat, still couldn’t forget how it all happened...

He never will.
.
.
.
.
.

Sometimes ago, Pillion Tan was offered a ride on his friend’s bike to Nasik over the weekend.
And he agreed readily. He was thinking why not? Since he can visit his friends who are residing there doing internship as well.

The Na shit boys

Pillion Tan stayed over at his friend’s house as they have to move off early the next day. On that night, Pillion Tan have a very strong premonition that something bad is going to happen.

Something very bad.

Nevertheless, he decided to close his eyes and rest his soul to prepare for the bumpy ride.

Pillion Tan and Rider Ashish

At 0625hrs Pillion Tan was all ready to go. He made a final check, pulling his shoelace and jeans’ zip tight.
At 0630 sharp, both of them make their way to Nasik, which is 202km away.

At 0723hrs, they stopped to get some Indian Oil.

the Indian Oil is black in color.

The pace for the journey was good, and there is nice scenery along the way. It seems like the negative feelings he had the previously day was unfounded.

At 0854hrs, they stopped to have some breakfast. Their asses were sore but the breakfast made them forget the pain.

cant remember the name of the food, properly poiajrcaqwepm.

Then something fatal happened at 1015hrs.

Pillion Tan was looking at his shadow when he realized his hair was flying everywhere. Holding his breath and fearing the worst, he extended his hand to his head. For an instant, everything he sees was just colors churned together flying by. The wind rushing against his face felt like hands of the million-hand goddess slapping him.

She’s gone.

The hair band is gone.

The hair band has been through thick and thin hair with Pillion Tan since he set his eyes on her at a Pasar Malam stall. No matter how Mother Tan insulted his hair or how Bearbear Tan abused his hair, the hair band is always there to stand by him. She became Pillion Tan’s pillar of strength, his only source of encouragement whenever he feels like giving up the idea of keeping long hair. Many times when Pillion Tan gives in and was walking to the barber to have his hair cut, the hair band would stroke his hair softly and whisper into his ears that everything is gonna be all right. And Pillion Tan would muster enough courage to abort the idea. Now the most beautiful feature on Pillion Tan is nothing but his long and silky hair.

He didn’t know how the last journey went or how long it took. All he felt was going through hell on the last leg of the journey.

His face was full of dirt, and he can’t differentiate if that’s his hair or pubic hair on his head. But it doesn’t matter anymore…. Now he fully understood the quote “You will never treasure someone, till she’s gone.”

And the Na-shit boys comfort Pillion Tan that they will bring him to a nice place to chill out and forget all the sorrows.

And they brought him to a road side stall.

Free diarrhea with every order.

Pillion Tan's could only wish his hair band all the best with the bottom of his broken heart.

INDIA PART 7 – Salaries of Indians

2010-03-06T03:20:00.000-08:00

INDIA PART 7 – Salaries of Indians
Economist Tan was reading through The Economic Times and he saw this.

“With an average annual GDP growth rate of 5.8% for the past two decades, Indian economy is among the fastest growing in the world.(The Economic Times, 26 Apr 2007)."

And then the Economist Tan also saw this alarming statistic.

“42% of India’s population falls below the poverty line of $1.25USD/day.”

The top economist is a curious man. His curiosity can only be rivaled by the mind of a boy undergoing puberty. So he starts to collect first-hand information from the people around him.

First, he saw an Indian intern and he ask her how much does she earn.

Nemo D/O Momo : "My monthly allowance is 15,000Rupees($469). But I am very poor as I suffered from constipation and diarrhea. Most of my money goes to medicine."

Then he goes to a Mcdonalds and ask the counter staff.

Rajaldanthasar Omeshishmathan:" I earn Rp22/hr ($0.69/hr), and I have to work 5 hours just to have enough to eat an extra-value meal."

Then Economist Tan ask Indian Tan.

Indian Tan:" My company gives me 6500rupee per month($203/month), but I work 6 days per week, Saturday also full day! And I am an authentic Indian."

Indian Tan's payslip= $203/month

Then he ask his colleague

Colleague: "My net pay is 6200rupee per month($193/month). And I have a degree and been working for 3 years. My pay cant even compared to singaorean interns. Damn"

Colleague's payslip=$193/month

Then Economist Tan asked a waiter at a local café.

Baboonaesh Vijakanrajaha :" I earn 3200rupee per month, working 10hours daily with no off days. ($100/month)"

Then finally he asked an ugly Indian he met on the street.

Anuraj S/O Balasingum: "வீரனாய் 5000இருப்பதை விட மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயனாய்னாய்ற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனாய்னிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்னாய்னாய்க முயற்சி செய்)மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க னாய்னாய்முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் னாய்இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருனாய்க்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்மனிதனாய் இருக்க முயற்சி செய்"

(Sorry,it seems like he say alot, but after translation it just means :"I earn 5000rupee per month.($156/month)."

So indeed, the statistic is true. Most of the indians are earning below the poverty line.
So please, if you have a heart, please transfer some money to Economist Tan's POSB saving account, 040-30175-5 and he will try to help these people get out of the poverty trap.

2010-02-25T20:15:00.000-08:00

INDIA PART 6 – Living alone
Living alone in India is not easy, especially when you have no one to talk to at work and at home. Now Loner Tan understands why expatriates usually marry the local women.

Sometimes it’s because they are hot,

HOT

Other times are just because they need company.

NOT

Loner Tan stays in a 3-room apartment all by himself.

House but not Home

There is no TV, no internet, not even an ant for him to keep as pet. So every day when Loner Tan reaches home he will do one-hand pushups

do pull ups

and count his eggs.

Life is cruel for Loner Tan. Many times he tried to make himself busy and sane, like purposely soiled his clothes and left his dishes unwashed and looked forward to do them after work, it will all be washed and cleaned by a housekeeper who will come to the apartment every day.

soiled laundry -> washes and hanged!

dirty dishes -> washed!

Loner Tan is on the verge of breaking down. Please, if anyone has any idea how Loner Tan can kill his time before he kill himself, let him know.

2010-02-18T19:19:00.000-08:00

CNY PROMOTION-6D5N INDIA TOUR !

To reward his fans for their continuous support, TourGuide Tan has come up with an unbeatable deal to visit India!!

For just $1999, you can choose 3 out of the 6 DO LIST and 3 out of the 5 SEE LIST on the 6D5N holiday on Tiger Airline. And yes, GST is already included the package!

All you need to do is to send an email to TourGuideTan@HOTMALE.com with your choice, preferred departure date and your credit card number.

DO LIST (choose any 3)
* indicates popular choice

Option1 – Squeeze together with Indians for 30minutes.*

Option2 – Smoke a joint in a turban, with a red dot on your forehead. The real Indian style!

Option3 – Sleep on an Indian’s lap and experience the joy of Indian Intimacy.*

Option4 – Squat beside a Turbanated Indian.*

Option5 – Pee beside the road. (Special Offer- Girls are given this option automatically for FREE!)

Option6 – Go on a protest of your choice, like “ 3 hours lunch break” or “boy-girl room-sharing policy only in school hostel”.

SEE LIST (choose any 3)

* indicates popular choice.

Option1 – Go to zoo and try to see animals.

No animal to be found.

Option2 – See hand-sculpt caves made 1000years ago.

Option3 – See cows crossing the road.*

Option4 - Fruit-selling by the road

Fruit sellers everywhere.

Option5 – See Indian taking picture of everything, like flowers, stones, water puddle etc.*

Please sign up to avoid disappointment!

+++A little more about TourGuide Tan+++
He well-known for his hospitality and in-depth understand of Indian heritage, having lived in India for more than 52days and going through ~~crashed~~ courses of Indian culture, music, finance, dance, history, politics etc.

He was even featured in NTU MP3001 lectures to a class of 300 students.

The post can be found here!

India Part 5

2010-02-13T01:51:00.000-08:00

India Part 5 – Animals of India Street
India Tan sees animals on the street of India all the time. Guess being a vegetarian country like India makes these animals inedible. The animals are shown below in descending order on their frequency of sightings by India Tan.

Dogs- They are everywhere: on the walkway, in the drain, in the middle of the road. But one thing in common, 86% of the time they are sleeping.

Boars – India Tan used to volunteer himself doing prowling in the forest during army times, just to buy some chance to see a wild boar. That’s how he earns his award as his commanders thought he is very garang.

Now he sees them everyday when going to work. And there are like 235 generations of them everytime India Tan sees them.

Cows – India Tan don’t see that many cows in India, at least not at where he is staying. You heard about cows wandering aimlessly in the middle of the road and blocking the traffic. That’s literally bullshit, as India Tan never see any at all. In fact the cows are always tied to a tree or tied to a trailer doing work.

Sheep/Goat– The sightings of sheep is almost the same as cow. India Tan has difficulties understanding the difference between sheep and goat, mutton and lamb. Kind souls may comment and enlighten India Tan.

BaBoon – Kian Boon AKA BaBoon, is almost an extinct animal found on the street on India. This species lives on nothing but love, and would call his girlfriend of 9 years everyday. There are only 2 times when he will think of his girlfriend, daytime and night time. India Tan ought to learn from this endangered animal.

2010-02-06T04:25:00.000-08:00

India Part 4 – Life of an Indian Intern
After all is said and done, India Tan has to get down to work and earn his right of existence in this country.

India Tan has started his industrial attachment in a local engineering company. Having worked many jobs in Singapore, Intern Tan still feel lost ~~all the~~ some times at work.

Lets take a peek at Intern Tan’s typical day at work.

0845hrs - Intern Tan has to squeeze into the company bus which brings him deep into an industrial estate to his office.

The bus is not smelly.

0900hrs - Reported for work.

Intern Tan ’s desk.

But he won’t be seeing it until 6pm, cos’ his actual operating area is in the calibration lab

0905hrs -Calibration lab

Indian company, Indian workers.

This is the same calibration lab, 5 minutes later. There is a sudden power cut off and it is not uncommon to have power cut off in the lab.

1015hrs- Self-declared water break

Water dispenser with only one metal cup, and every Indian drink from the same cup and put it back without washing. Intern Tan use his own water bottle.

1230hrs - Lunch Break, only 30minutes.

Indians queuing to take food (Veg only).

1500hrs - TeaBreak (-+5minutes)

Tea is provided, and all Indians enjoy tea, including Intern Tan

Intern Tan is new, so he is attached to a more senior worker.

This is how their daily conversation would go:

Intern Tan: “Why do you need to measure this?”
Indian: “10 minutes.”
Intern Tan: “How long have you been working here?”
Indian: “530pm end work.’

Because of the way their conversation goes, Intern would rather keep quiet.

However, there are times like

Intern Tan: “How often does this error happen?”
Indian: “Not a lot of times”

At times like this Intern Tan would brisk-walk to a corner and give his left hand a High 5 with his right hand. It’s these rare moments when the Indians understand the question that made Intern Tan press on.

NEXT WEEK ENTRY - India Part 5 – Animals of India street

INDIA PART 3

2010-01-31T07:25:00.000-08:00

INDIA PART 3 - life changing experience!

India Tan can't describe how much India has impacted his life. Let's just look at some of his friends and how India has changed all of them to the better.

Nemo(name protected) was known as the stick insect, and her favourite past time was sucking a stick. On the 7th day in India, she woke up with perfect eyesight suddenly and a smile that put darlie toothpaste to shame!

Amul (name protected) was so hideous that he never leave his house without covering his face with mud. Now he is a cam-whore; as long as there is a camera within 100m of his radius, he can somehow appear on all photos. ( not much changes to looks, just tremendous increased of confidence)

Jugmul's(name protected) eyesight was so bad that she has to rely on her sense of taste to identify any objects, like in the pic she was trying to figure out if its a stone or human waste. Now her eyesight is so good that when she looks at you you will melt like butter cut by hot knife.

Lindsay luohan-fish (name protected) was so embarrassed of herself that she always act busy with her forehead and fake asleep. Now she don't even sleep at night, she just sit and waits for sun rise.

Arlike (name protected) could never understand what chin was. No matter how much she eats she will never get a double chin, cos she has none to start with. Now her favourite exercise is chin-up.

India Tan has about 3 less pimples after 3 weeks in India. Guess when a person is at the peak, he can't go any higher.

INDIA PART 2

2010-01-22T10:37:00.000-08:00

INDIA PART 2 – ACTIVITIES

India Tan try out cricket at a neighborhood and instantly become a hit with the kids. One of them even told India Tan that he look like the captain of the India cricket team.

India Tan found his hidden talent.

Kids fighting to take pics with him

India Tan went to a carnival and there were all kinds of ride and games which are operated by Indians, played by Indians.

India Tan made a mental calculation and estimated the rides have a safety factor of 4.1.

India Tan attended some yoga classes and after 16% of hardwork and 84% of talent, he mastered the technique of the Vijay-Baboo-Cobra stance. It is believed that whoever mastered this move will ~~sprain his back~~ improved his sharpness.

~~ouch my back!~~ I'll be Back

India Tan went to a beauty parlor and tried out a local facial, which has curry lookalike stuff applied to his face. He now looks 3 days younger than before. Amazing!

~~Curry~~ mud on face

An Indian magician saw India Tan and after seeing his erotic hairstyle he decided to take him as his disciple.

Magician got excited seeing India Tan

The following is just one of the many magics he has taught India Tan.

Interested learners can email India Tan at MAGICIAN_TAN@hotmale.com

INDIA PART 1

2010-01-14T09:30:00.000-08:00

INDIA PART 1 - SCHOOL

At T minus 5hours, Traveller Tan has only just started packing his luggage. He is to take whatever he thinks he need for the next 7 months to the Land of ~~Chicken Bryani~~ 1.1billion population.

Luggage weighing just 12.7kg

It was hard on him on the day of departure. Not 'cause he would miss his loved ones, but there are about 105 friends/fans who want to send him off. But he managed to push all of them away and with only Mother Tan, Traveller Tan embarked on the Journey to the West.

Mother Tan and Traveller Tan

After about 4.5hours of flight and 5 hours of bus ride, Traveller Tan reached Symbiosis International University (SIU) in India. It is situated in Pune, a city in the state of Maharashtra which is known for its educational facilities, having more than a hundred educational institutes.

The first thing that struck Traveller Tan when he stepped into the school was that there are alot of indians.

Indians everywhere

The school's elevator needs to be manually closed. And there is this guy who sits in the lift the whole day just to ensure there can only be 5 person including himself at any one time.

~~Human waste~~ Waste of human resource.

But he found out that Indians are really friendly.

Mess staff asked to take picture with Traveller Tan, maybe cause' his hair is too c0ol.

And Traveller Tan was delighted to find out that his first meal served by the school mess consist mainly of curry.

Bryani style=Dream come true!

His room comes with TV, toilet, cold/hot water and best of all his roommate is also a mechanical engineer student.

The only difference between the 2 mechanical students is no honours and 1st class honours. Traveller Tan can now ~~copy~~ discuss assignments with his room mate with ease since ~~he must be damn clever~~ they come from the same course.

RoomMate Ho once said " When you realised how vast the ocean is, you became humble."

This guy called ahmed will set up breakfast outside Traveller Tan's room everyday. He is like a caretaker and would just sit outside the room all the time and wait for us to come back every night. Whenever he sees us he would say anyone of the 3 lines below:

YOU WANT WATER??
TOMORROW BREAKFAST WHAT TIME?
TONIGHT WHAT TIME COME BACK??

Ahmed the good man

PART 2 OF INDIA COMING UP NEXT!

2009 WRAP UP

2010-01-12T09:02:00.000-08:00

WATCH OUT FOR THE NEXT UPDATE ON BLOGGER TAN’S ADVENTURE IN INCREDIBLE INDIA

Let’s look back at year2009 and reflect on some of the good and bad happenings.

GOOD- Biker Tan has forged an inseparable yet complicated relationship with Sara.
And subsequently managed to ~~cheat~~ advise 3 more friends to adopt a mistress/girlfriend.

GOOD- Angler Tan has grew from a small time player to a force to be reckoned with.

GOOD- Student Tan has achieved an 4.4% increase in GPA. Sem1-2.47Sem2-2.69

GOOD- Idol Tan has more girls hitting on him after decided to keep long hair.

Unkown girl 1,2

Unknown girl 3
(Above girls' identities are protected)

GOOD- Boyfriend Tan has led BearBear Tan more into the love tunnel

GOOD- Footballer Tan has grew from strength to strength and obtained an impressive stats of of 2.1goals, 1.7assists, 10.7key passes and just 0.1fouls per game in his soccer league (with 10+ others out of shape friends)

GOOD- Worker Tan has demonstrated he is a ~~wayang~~ hardworking worker.

BAD- Bank account still less than $100.

OVERALL 7 GOODS 1 BAD = GOOD YEAR!

SATURN CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!

2009-12-26T08:41:00.000-08:00

Hate your roomie?
Hate your sister?
Hate your coursemate?
Hate Blogger Tan?

Now PHOTOCHOPPER TAN is offering you a chance to see your enemy in unglam pictures!

For a limited time only, PHOTOCHOPPER TAN is now having End of Year Discounts. You will be getting 8 pictures @ only $99 (Original price $199). Just send a picture of your enemy to photochopper_tan@hotMALE.com and see the magic!

The following is a sample picture send by customer H**C*** to get revenge on someone he dislikes.

This is what H**C*** got!

What are you waiting for? Email now to make your dream come true!

DARKEST BEFORE DAWN

2009-12-16T23:31:00.000-08:00

Given I was out of touch from the world for the previous 2 months or so, I don't know what is all the hype on New Moon about.

I overheard my female friends talking about it in school.
I overheard my sisters talking about it at home.
I overheard my female colleagues discussing it after going back to work from exams.

Now even Bearbear Tan is asking me to find New Moon for her as she misses it.

I don't understand. How could New Moon just ended like that? Has the company folded? Or has the price of New Moon shoot up rocket high that she wants me to get it for her?

Anyway to coax BearBear Tan I asked my friend who frequents JB to help me buy New Moon as its cheaper over there.

So last week after my friend got it I called Bearbear Tan to let her know. I have never heard her sounded so excited before.

The very next day Bearbear Tan was still all over me when we had dinner together. She told me all her friends would be so jealous of her now cos she got New Moon. I was confused but I thought to myself who cares.

After the dinner I opened my bag and took out New Moon for her. Upon seeing it, Bearbear Tan's expressions changed faster than the click of my mouse.

I was shocked at first cos I thought its expired. Then after checking that its not I quickly called my sister to ask what is the New Moon which all the girls been talking about. Only then I realised what went wrong.

So the New Moon is not the New Moon.

Every Step You Take

2009-12-08T17:03:00.000-08:00

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Neverland

Across the plain,
Horses gallop on,
You would stay up late,
To turn me on.

Time after time,
You run and leap,
but all I did,
was to fall asleep.

Stars may fickle,
White dwarf may drown,
but you are the only constant,
who gives me confidence.

Oh!
Now you are gone and sold,
I would only find sorrows in my soul.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm sure I am not the only one who felt this way.

Ask yourself: who stay till dawn with you to prepare for the exams? Who never hide despite your rage when you are angry and frustrated at him?

Its our lecture notes.

This poem is delicated to the lecture notes. He never fails to inject the knowlegde needed to ~~fail~~ take the exams.
He's the only truthful companion during the 1 month of struggle.

However, sometimes the lecture notes are just not as clear as it should be, so recorded lectures should be utilised. But it has always been everyone's curse that falling asleep is inevitable.

So Marathoner Tan decided that listening to recorded lectures while running a marathon would give him ample time to finish all his lectures. It should prevent him from falling asleep . So Marathoner Tan upload 10hours of lectures into his Ipod.

Professor Jaspreet Singh Dhupia
Module Coordinator of MP3001, Dynamics and Control

And Marathoner Tan would ~~help to assasinate you to shorten your pain~~ highly recommend anyone who wishes to absorb 100% of the lecture to run a marathon while listening it.

Marathoner Tan high on endorphins

At first Marathoner Tan was overtaking everyone in the race. Especially when the Prof. was talking about how to calculate fast oscillation controls and he starts to run faster.
And after listening to the lecture for 1.5hrs at the 15km mark he saw his Prof running in the race as well! He call out to him but he was not as friendly as he seems and he ignored Marathoner Tan.

At 18km, he sees his prof.
At 19km, he sees his prof.
At 20km, he sees his prof
At 21km, he sees his prof again

And sudddenly his head started spinning like a top.
Maybe its the heat, or maybe its just his pure hallucination of going Oversea Attachment India, but at 22km, Marathoner Tan sees his prof everywhere.

Marathoner Tan fighting a losing war.

His heatbeat starts to go out of control and beat erratically; every step felt like needles and every breath hurts like acid. He feels like Mutherfucker Tan.

But he has came so far so he decided to press on. He started praying to Buddha and at this point of time the Ipod ran out of battery. Miraculously Marathon Tan suddenly regain his posie and slowly his profs drop back one by one.

And thank Buddha the race and exams are now over

DESPRESSION

2009-11-24T18:46:00.000-08:00

I am depressed.

More people voted for "missing me" than any other options in the previous poll.

It reflects no one has ever took me seriously in my life. I hope you guys will take me seriously and thats all I hope for this Christmas.

The correct answer for the previous poll is "1 fake pin,1 fake stapler".

I am too saddened by the poll results. I will just let the following pictures sum up my previous 2 weeks of pre-examination life as I have no mood to blog anymore.

Mugger Tan working hard to ~~draw more fake staples, erasers, pins, pens...~~ make notes for exam.

Mugger Tan saw his fave prata shop uncles mugging behind with him.

He overheard them discussing what flour gives the highest deformability of soilds and also using partial differentiation equations to calculate the heat transfer from pan to the dough.

The spirit of taking part time engineering just to make their pratas more delicious made Mugger Tan salutes them

Mugger Tan eat 3 x Mcdonald meals a day and win on average 2 apple pies/day and got featured.

Mugger Tan spend about 10hours a day mugging for exams and 2 hours on mastering the Indian Etiqutte.

Mugger Tan mug at void deck with his friends at night. It has proven 89% more efficient as there is no corner for them to relac at the round table. They are forced to study all night long.

Exam stress.

2009-11-11T09:07:00.000-08:00

Remember The Eraser Curse from 6 months ago? Well I believed those who have seen it will never forget it.
Majority of you have suffered a drop in GPA after opening it.

Guess what?

ITS BACK ONCE AGAIN!!!!

But don't worry readers, this time round its not a curse anymore, as Blogger Tan has personally exorcised the evil spirit in the eraser.

What spurs Blogger Tan to blog this entry was that he tries to sweep his room yesterday but no matter how he tries to sweep the corners the "rubbish" just won't go away. Then he bent down and took a closer look.

ITS THE EXAMS! THEY ARE JUST AROUND THE CORNER!
And guess they will never go away until its over.

This entry is to help you relax from the exam stress.

Now focus on the picture below (Don't worry there won't be any ghost jumping out). Do not take your eyes away from it. Do no even blink.

2009-10-29T06:10:00.000-07:00

Before continue reading this blog entry, please press the PLAY button for maximum experience (Firefox user may not be able to see the player.).

Week in week out MUSICIAN TAN is suffering in constant hunger with barely a few bucks in the wallet. He has to fight the urge to satisfy his huge appetite every lunch and dinner and settle on cheap and small meals. To make things worst, the amount of tests and reports are no less than the amount of dust in the solar nebula.

Dealing with the tremendous physical and mental torment, MUSICIAN TAN suddenly remembered that isn't it is our human nature, that only through sufferings great men were made?

Look at Italy.
For 30 years under the bourges, they had warfare, terror, bloodshed and murder.Yet they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo Da Vinci and the Renaissance.

In contrast, Switzerland had 500 years of peace and democracy. And what did that produce?
The cuckoo clock.

So a few days ago MUSICIAN TAN woke up with a mission to become a great man. Looking around him in his room, the dusty guitar caught his attention and given his brief 1 month relationship with the instrutment back in NS, MUSICIAL TAN wasn't expecting much.
Musician Tan back in NS holding a keatar, but after one month feels that holding a rilfe is easier.

Scrutinising the score sheet that is now yellowish, MUSICIAN TAN barely remember how to read the ~~beansprouts~~ notes.
But nevertheless he tried to play.

"OH MY GAWD!"

At first it surprised MUSICIAN TAN as well, so he decided to play it again and it still sound as good as the original Fur elise composed by Beethovan.

It made no mistake.

Great men are indeed made during difficult times.

The music you are enjoying right now is solely played by MUSICIAN TAN, with no other technology tweakings or enhancement.

Weeks of hunger and stress may have made MUSICIAN TAN.
Or was it the hidden talent in him?

You may now help MUSICIAN TAN to explore his new-found talent in the music industry, by ~~solving his hunger problem~~ transferring some funds to his POSB saving account, 040-30175-5.

Disclaimer: Please do not copy this Sound Clip without authorisation by MUISICAN TAN. You may discuss the copyrights and distributorship with him personally at musician_tan@HOTMALE.com

Friend of Foe?

2009-10-20T22:59:00.000-07:00

I would like to thank all my fans for showing their concerns since the declaration of State Of Emergency. Give me more time while I'm still trying to reply each mail personally. There are only 2321 more fan mails to clear.

I appreciate the emotional supports but I'll have to turn down the free financial support(which totalled to about $3000+). I believed I will find my own feet to stand up again.

Friends are the most important ingredient in my recipe of life and knowing me from the inside out, they know that I won't just take money from them. So instead they recommended ideas to me to save some money so I can get by easier. I would like to thank them ~~although some of their ideas suck.~~

IDEA #1

Friend: DEANIE GOH

Idea : Donate blood and get free food

Money saved : At least $15

Ratings : ☺☺☺☺

Comments : It is yet another genius idea from the DeanList candidate. It saves me 1 week of breakfast money as I managed to smuggle some biscuits, milo and cookies back. If not for the comment of the nurse who said I need to do more push ups as she can't see my vein, it would have gotten 5☺.

400ml of blood exchange for 7days of breakfast. Good deal!

IDEA#2

Foe: SERIOUS LU

Idea : Eat sakae buffet and dapao the sushi home

Money lost : -$17

Ratings : ☺

Comments : I am contemplating to servere all ties with him. SERIOUS LU convinced me that his idea is a sure hit. But the waitress seems to know what is up our sleeves and keep a stern eye on us through the buffet. In the end, I just make sure I eat 3 days worth of food and went home empty handed. And I am plunge more into the financial crisis.

Happy at the thought of bringing food back initially

IDEA #3

Friend: COMMANDO PENG

Idea : Camp in LeeWeeNam library till closing time and go around the computers finding thumbdrives.

Money earned : estimated $20 ( 2 thumbdrives)

Ratings : ☺☺

Comments: Its no surprise that COMMANDO PENG could think of such a ~~low class~~ idea given his ~~lousy~~ personality . He has personally collected 7 thumbdrives and 2 cashcards in 2 weeks just by going round the computers and photocopying machines in the library. I manage to find 2 thumbdrives and are in the process of ~~extording~~ finding the owners to claim some credit.

IDEA#4

Foe: ANGLER CHEN

Idea: Go fishing at "Catch and Release" pond but secretly Catch and Keep the fish and sell to MOTHER TAN for buying dinner ingredient.

Money lost : -$25
Ratings : ZERO
Comments: It was a bad move. We fished through the night and finally when a 10kg monster sized fish got hooked on, the bangalashi worker immediately ran over to help us release the fish back into the pond. I lost both sleep and faith ~~in him~~ after the session.

Bangalashi worker on 24/7 standby to ensure we release the fish back.

STATE OF EMERGENCY

2009-10-11T10:04:00.000-07:00

Bankrupt Tan believes that Money is the Roots of all Evil and it can't buy you happiness. So Bankrupt Tan lives by the motto, Lack of money is no obstacle, Lack of an idea is an obstacle.

But recently he found out that happiness cant buy him any money, and ideas can't rid of the obstacles.

And then he wonders where has all his money gone.

"Maybe because I have nothing to start with...' Bankrupt Tan convinced himself and went to take a look at his payslips from various jobs he has worked since this year.

Singapore Turf Club Gross Earnings in 2009 so far: $5913

Singapore Arm Forces Salary: $1021
Money from other jobs and sales: about $1000
Total: about $8000

Then he take a look at his bankbook

Balance : $5.03

The first thing that came to his mind was ~~at least the figure is higher than his GPA~~ how the hell did I spend the massive $8000 in only 9 months?

Has Vulnerable Ming Yi or Sunshine Vampire tapped into Bankrupt Tan's account?

Or was it the food for them that has delepted Bankrupt Tan's resources?
The Above personals are censored to protect ~~Bankrupt Tan's life~~ their identities.

And to make things worst, there are bills that are yet to settle.
~~Price to keep a mistress~~ Insurance to ride Sara: $356.79

School Fee : $407.23

Bankrupt Tan hereby declare State of Emergency and welcome all readers to send him any ideas at BankruptTan@hotmale.com to earn more money for the food and bills.

FFF (Fight For Freedom)

2009-10-06T17:44:00.000-07:00

For Operation Freedom Iguana II, please click here.

Operation Freedom Iguana

2009-09-24T20:36:00.000-07:00

CODE NAME: Operation Freedom Iguana

AoP : XXXXXXXXX Reservoir

NO MOVE TIMING (H) : 200909 0630HRS

At H minus 4hours, Angler Goh was still anxiously stuying the map. A Police from the Home Team Academy, this is the first time Angler Goh is leaving his comfort zone and going into a unfamiliar land infested with mosquitoes and unknown dangers.

Contrary to what Angler Goh was feeling, Angler Chan was already fast asleep. Venturing into another unknown land is already part of this seasoned soilder's routine. In fact, Angler Chan even developed a habit of holding on to any water and food he could find when he is asleep. This is the instinct of a soldier.

At H minus 1hour, they were all set for the operation. As usual, Angler Tan can be found doing his 100 onehand pushups before moving out. He cultivated this habit during his Army life as part of the motivation talk for his men.
Angler Tan doing pushup to motivate Angler Goh

Camping outside the AoP, Angler Teo observe the surrounding through the night and met the ~~illegal~~ Team there. Angler Tan gave Angler Teo a quick Ops Order brief and within minutes, the ~~illegal~~ team set out to the AoP.

"This is our RV point, if we got seperated, meet here."

It was harder than they thought.

The ~~illegal~~ Team has to jump into the bush serveral times when they dectected ~~SAF training troop~~ enemies along the way.

Angler Chan's camouflage skill is world class. Can you spot him?

Bashing through the thick woods and enduring gruelsome long walks. The ~~illegal~~ team was determine to complete the mission.

At times Angler Goh feels like giving up, as the fear of getting caught was too great for him to handle.
Angler Goh: Can we go back now? i very scared...

At last after lots of hiding and dashing for cover, the ~~illegal~~ Team found a suitable ground to carry out the second phase of the Ops.

Angler Teo was julibant to found a good spot

It was no easy feat for the ~~illegal~~ team to breach into the heart of the enemy ground without getting caught, so the ~~illegal~~ Team wasted no time in setting up the gears.

After a few hits and misses, Angler Tan has some thing Hook on!

To everyone's dismay, its just a trash bag.

After 4 hours of hot sun, the ~~illegal~~ Team still did not catch anything. After all the risk to get into this place, the ~~illegal~~ Team was disappointed with the result.

They vow to come back again another day.

Incredible India

2009-09-18T17:46:00.000-07:00

The correct answer for the previous post is Snail. Congratulations to winner M_ _ _ _ Fox. She has won herself a snorkeling trip plus one night stay with GUIDE TAN.

And after sorting through the thousands of emails signing up for the snorkeling trip, a specific email caught my eye.

Although I have been dreaming to go India since I first tasted Roti Prata 20 years ago, I was still shocked to have gotten it.

Its really a dream come true. I believed that dreams are the touchstones of our character and I can't wait to touch down at India to touch the ~~touch~~ Taj Mahal.

And of course many of you will be wondering, how could INDIA TAN with such a low GPA ~~of 2.75~~ get selected to go overseas attachment? Even I myself couldn't believe it.

Well, meet DEANIE WOO

DEANIE WOO advised INDIA TAN how to submit a short write up of himself so that he would get selected. Not that INDIA TAN has no confidence in his writing, but they can't possibly send a student who may drop out of school any moment to a foreign company representing NTU.

Below are extracts of the writeup DEANIE WOO instructed INDIA TAN to put in the writeup.

- I enjoyed holding my guy friends' hands as I feel we should not be afraid of showing our emotions.
-Everyday I look forward to squeeze with all the rush hour crowds in bus and trains as it gives me a sense of belonging.
-I am a nature person, and like to sit in groups with my friends at any grass I could find.

Despite his busy schedule ~~being a slave to his girlfriend~~, DEANIE WOO still squeeze out time to help INDIA TAN with the writeup. Won't give up anything less than $3 for this great friend

Thanks to him it works and INDIA TAN will be going to INDIA for 6months. Even now thinking of having roti prata and naan everyday for all meals keeps my adrenaline rushing already.

And I have to upped my gym routine so that I can squeeze with the indians into the bus to work.

Guess To win!

2009-09-09T06:45:00.000-07:00

Feeling the stress from ~~your girlfriend~~ all the tutorials and projects?
Want to have a short getaway but have limited budget?

NOW IS YOUR CHANCE!

The TAN TRAVELS AGENCY is organising a local snorkeling trip to a secret, unexplored underwater paradise! Upon signing up, you get to walk away with the following snorkeling equipments FREE!

This is a glimpse of some of thereefs found in the water.

And some of the animals

-100% Guarantee to encounter the above exotic creatures
-No training required

-Transport provided (on bike)

-Guys need not change to wetsuit (Female complusory to change to Bikini due to safety reasons)

-Personal guide ( GUIDE TAN) to explain each organism in detail.

And of course, TAN TRAVELS AGENCY is giving out FREE trip to ~~hot girl only~~ anyone guessing correctly on the below picture.

Who's the Boss?

2009-09-02T00:44:00.000-07:00

When Boyfriend Tan first knew Bearbear Tan 3 years ago she was still a young and naive girl from the Adventure Club. Whether to conquer any mountain, paddle against any waves or to bash through any forest, as long as it require any use of ~~bear paws~~ strength and endurance you would find Bearbear Tan in it.

But nowadays Bearbear Tan could be found like this.

I mean enjoying life and exlporing new countries.

And of course behind every successful man there is always a woman.

Just a picture of Boyfriend Tan and Sara...

The woman =)

But every now and then Bearbear Tan would still remind Boyfriend Tan ~~who is the boss~~ she has grown up since then.

A few days ago when Boyfriend Tan was about to send her home so that he could go for work, the weather suddenly turned so bad that it started raining hippopos and bears.

BOYFRIEND TAN: Erm I only got one set of rainclothes leh... You wear the poncho ok.. Long enough to cover your shorts.. I wear the raincoat and pants cos I wearing jeans.

BEARBEAR TAN: What you talking about? You always had two set. We worn before.

BOYFRIEND TAN: (Starts to shiver because of ~~fear~~ cold wind blowing): I know... But I lend to Biker Chan liao.. Cos recently he no money and he has no rainclothes..

BEARBEAR TAN: I don't care. I gonna wear the raincoat and pants. You wear the poncho. (And she snatch the rainclothes away.)

BOYFRIEND TAN: (at this point of time cannot speak Perfect English anymore) waolao cannot la.. poncho only cover my shirt my jean will still be wet la. later wet wet the turf club dunch let me in leh.

BEARBEAR TAN starts to show the ~~beast~~ firm side of her and started to wear everything and ignore BOYFRIEND TAN totally.

BOYFRIEND TAN became desperate and keep persuading her, ~~even offering a pot of honey and a basket of fish~~ telling her how poor Biker Chan is now for a long 15minutes. As the raincoat is long enough to cover the whole of the BEARBEAR TAN'S upper body and shorts, she finally decided to give BOYFRIEND TAN one more chance and give him only the pants so the jeans would remain dry and wear the poncho for the top.

And so Boyfriend Tan ride through the rain praying no one will snap a picture of him and post on Stomp.

Cat out of the Hat

2009-08-24T07:10:00.000-07:00

Recently there has been an influx of emails from my fans applauding my improvement in English ever since I started this blog. Most of them inquired what I have done to have such a mammoth evolution to my English.

Some also commented that my posts are getting more emotional and affective and they ended up mourning under their blanket and refused to go to school.

No matter how much I try to deny these, the mails kept pouring in.

So now I am now really to spill the beans.

Yes. Reader Tan has been reading Nicholas Spark' books. His books are so beautifully written and extremely romantic that Reader Tan 's writing style has been deeply influenced by him.

Often Reader Tan has to read them with a box of tissues beside him. Here is one part of the story that explains why the tissues has to be used.

"She didn't try to keep dry or hide herself, and he could see the outline of her breasts as they pressed through the fabric of the dress that clung tightly to her body. It wasn't a cold rain, but he could see her nipples erect and protuding, hard like little rocks."

"Her back was slightly arched as he rolled atop her in one fluid motion. He was on all fours above her,his knee astride her hips....

He did this until she couldnt take it anymore, and when they finally joined as one, she cried aloud and pressed her fingers hard into his back." The Notebook.

Reader Tan would normally locks himself up to read the book so his parents would not see him ~~masturbate~~ cries in sadness. Normally one box of tissues is not enough when the story unfolds to this kind of ~~EROTIC~~ romantic stage.

While I sleep, I dream of you, and when I wake, I long to hold you in my arms. If anything, our time apart has only made me more certain that I want to spend my nights by your side, and my days with your heart." Nights in Rodanthe

At times Reader Tan is able to hold himself back although he still feel a ache in his heart.

I hope this post will clear all the queries on why my writing style has became so affectionate and at the same time why English has improved by leaps and bounds.

Special update

2009-08-12T08:03:00.000-07:00

Under normal circumstances I would not blog again within a week of a new entry.

But I have to make an exception now.

If I have to bottle up my feeling I don't know if I can survive through the night as the emotion is too intense. The feeling is eating into my heart and I can barely breathe.

It started about an hour ago when Nan agreed to run with me so I ran 2km to his house to meet him and after waited longer than the time I ran there (which is about 8min 43.3sec), I realised he has found himself a new job as a pilot and fly a huge aeroplane, believed to be 777.

Disappointed and angry at myself for trusting him, I shed a tear and ran home immediately.

Sometimes my body let me down. Sometimes my friends betray me.

But a fish tank is always a fish tank and whenver I need it it will always be there welcoming me. I hope to find condolenses in my fish tank especially CRAB TAN who never fail to make my day.

Especially now when what Nan had did to me.

However when I reach home and saw this I couldn't believe my eyes. I rubbed my eyes over and over again hoping its just another nightmare but the image never disappear.

I SAW CRAB TAN OVERTURNED. ITS DEAD.

I don't feel like living anymore and just when I was about to drink down the salt water from the tank hoping I would die from dehydration, I saw CRAB TAN crawl out from under the rock!

Now I see the whole picture.

CRAN TAN has mold its shell and grew bigger. The overturned crab I see is just the shell casing which is empty.

I immediately got enlightened by CRAB TAN. It is telling me when its time to let your feeling go, let it go and you will find yourself coming back stronger and bigger.

I just had to blog this out to relieve the emotion roller coaster ride I had for the past 1 hour from anger to disappoint to saddness to happiness.

Thank you CRAB TAN.

Its all coming to an end

2009-08-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

3 months of holiday is finally coming to an end and looking back some of the jobs had definately benefited me tremendously.

JOB #1 - Runner at HP Service Centre

Job Scope - Stare at the laptop for 12 hours and when required, walk 10 steps to the store and collect laptops.

Skills acquired - How to do nothing and surf the net for 12hours daily .

Realization - World Wide Web is not so wide ~~without porn~~ .

JOB #2 - Delivery computers.

Job Scope - 2 full-grown men delivering up to 4 computers only for each trip from point A to point B.

Skills acquired - How to waste time and seize each opportunity to slack at coffee shop or in van.

Realization - Delivery drive rs can talk cock.

JOB #3 - Counter staff at Sg Turf Club.

Job Scope - Help to deposit money for the betting account holders.

Skills acquired - How not to get a shock when a person passed you an envelope and said "I wan to deposit 120" and when you open up to realise there are $120,000 cash in it and not tremble.

Realization - One's annual income may be another's bank interest.

Temperature Taking

2009-07-23T08:19:00.000-07:00

In view of the community spread of the H1N1 virus in Singapore, Themometer Tan has decided to ~~take advantage of the situation and earn $8/hr~~ step out and sacrifice his well-being by making contact with people visiting the HP Service Centre and take their temperature.

Although highly at risk, it is a relatively easy job and most people coming into the service centre seeing me standing there with a infra-red thermometer would automatically pop out their forehead for me to measure their temperature.

Sometimes unknowing people would offer their ear to me, which I don't blame them.
Sometimes unpleasant people would stick out their tongue, which I don't blame them.
Sometimes indescribable people would lift up their armpits and i ~~feel like breaking their arm on the spot~~ don't blame them too.

Boring the job may sound, its not easy to aim accurately at the centre of the forehead. But all jobs have their easy areas and I love to take temperature for indians. I find it easier to measure their temperature ~~using their dot on the forehead as a guide.~~

I don't know why but some girls are weird and they would purposely go in and out of the service centre and insist I must take their temperature everytime. May be they are ~~trying to hit on me~~ paranoid.

Anyway I made a great discovery from this job and has already submitted a patent for this method of judging: If you look up at the thermometer and pout your mouth while having your temperature taken, you are a pretty girl.

Otherwise you are not. (Tested on all the girls who has visited HP Service Centre by Thermometer Tan.)

I got a soul but I'm not a soldier.

2009-07-11T19:43:00.000-07:00

After my NS was disrupted last year due to studies, its now payback time for the remaining 5 weeks.
And I realised it doesn't matter if you are a very motivated person or full of life. You could be enjoying simple things like reading books or listening to music. But once you became a soldier all you think about is

- Canteen breaks
- Bookout
- Nights-out
- Going back bunk to sleep
- Cat1(rain) so exercise will cut

And I thought I had long grown out of that stage but I was wrong.
The moment I don the green uniform I think like a soilder again.

Seeing I am rotting away in camp, my superior decided to send me to Temasak Poly to exhibit our equipments in conjunction with the SAF day to the Minister of Transportation and Chief of Army.

It was very exciting to ~~see all the young but legal 16year old girls~~ have the chance to present the equiments to our Minister and the 2-star general.

Maybe the ~~girls don't like me~~ students are not interested in my equipment at all, but i find my booth empty most of the time except for some indians or PRC asking me what I doing here with my equipment. Other booths seems to have a steady flow of interested students gathering around them.

When I saw the Minister of Transportation I almost asked him to take the ERP gantry near my house away but luckily the 2-star general beside him stared at me so hard I just said my speech robotically.

And thank god this 5 weeks is finally over and I hope my brain will start to function normally again.

AMELIA'S PIE

2009-06-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

Amelia's Pie

The Engineering Innovative Design project starts straight after the exams and after 5 weeks of ~~skipping lessons~~ hardwork my 12-man team, Amelia's Pie finally come out with a product called ADORE (patent pending).

Its a door lock system which enable users to control it anytime, anywhere using SMS.

To celebrate the launch of our product some of our teammates decided to drink 8724 shots but couldn't take it and puked. Some passerby japanese tourist saw this and quickly snap a few pictures of them and shouted MERLION! MERLION!

Interested parties please contact my sales engineer (ENGINEER TAN) at tan_pao_wei@hotmale.com

CHICKEN RICE BALLS

2009-05-26T17:01:00.000-07:00

BIKER CHAN: Hey Dawg I heard the Malacca chicken rice ball very power want try anot?
BIKER TAN: Really ah? Ok lo very long never eat nice chicken rice liao. Where is it?
BIKER CHAN: Malacca chicken rice ball of cos is in Malacca.
BIKER TAN: WTF. You know how to go?
BIKER CHAN: No worries man I got map.

So the very next day we were all set to go. Not trusting Biker Chan due to his infamous history of losing his way, I asked to take a look at the map. After searching up and down, he finally found it at the back of his jeans.

A4 size black and white google map printed from the net, crumpled and half soaked in sweat.

BIKER TAN: WTF you call this map? Print from net somemore?
BIKER CHAN: Can la printer no ink but still can see la. I even found A&W along the way. Just ride 15minutes got A&W liao.
BIKER TAN: Wow A&W.. Alrite lets move.

Ready to Eat A&W

So off we rode, Sara following Denise.

An hour later there is still no sight of A&W. Finally Biker Chan stopped at a kiosk telling me "don't know why" couldn't find the exit out of highway for A&W. Not holding high hopes anyway, I said forget it let's move on to Malacca to eat the chicken rice ball.

2.5 hours and 200+km later, after my ass felt like being whipped by BearBear Tan and my face covered with dirt from all the lorries overtaking us at 150km/hr, we finally reached Malacca.

After asking for directions from a few locals we finally found our way to the famous "HOE KEE CHICKEN RICE".

I do not wish to say more about this chicken rice balls but ~~even my balls taste better~~ I think a 5 minute walk from my house to downstairs' chicken rice would have tasted better.

The personnels in the following pictures are sensored to protect their identities from the Balls

Disappointed with the chicken rice we vowed not to come back here again and our only consolation would be the A&W. As we do not want to make this trip a total failure, Biker Chan bought a proper map so we could have at least eaten A&W before going back to Singapore.

So after 2.5hours of travel and a torture of our taste buds, we have to hit the highway again back to Singapore.

Well we managed to find A&W on the way back.

BIKER CHAN: Hey lets go man if not later our bikes will kenna stolen.
BIKER TAN: Yea man.

So we quickly finish up the meal and walk back to the carpark. And from a distance we could see Sara and Denise and were relieved. After gearing up and ready to go back to Singapore,

BIKER CHAN point to his handle bar: HEY shit why got hole one? Sara here got hole anot?

BIKER TAN: WTF! THAT IS THE SCREW HOLE FOR MIRRORS.. OUR MIRRORS GOT STOLEN!

And so we head back to Singapore with sunburns on our backs and a pair of missing mirrors.

Cats

2009-05-15T00:59:00.000-07:00

Job is hard to find and money is even harder to earn. However nothing is harder than Bearbear Tan's paw-slap.

Hence Boyfriend Tan decided to watch Cats The Musical with Bearbear Tan with 50% of his pathetic savings; His promise of watching musical with her has long over due.

Cats The Musical has won numerous awards and has been in production for over 21years, which is the longest running musical.

To make his first musical even more memorable, Boyfriend Tan could even count how many lices there are on each cat as they were sitting very close to the stage. They bought the $140 seat.

Being a literature student back in the secondary school days and had scored D7 reasonably well for the O levels, I still couldn't understand most of the play. The angmos around me were having hellula time and were applauding and laughing all the time.

To show them I appreciate the musical as much as they do, whenever they chuckle I laugh. Whenever they applaud I whistle and shout BRAVO CATS!

Well, honestly the music is nice and I highly recommend everyone to ~~download it~~ go watch it if they have the chance.

2009-04-28T10:56:00.000-07:00

The correct answer is 1 pencil, 2 erasers, 1 drawing. The picture above is a drawing* of the unreal eraser.
*Request for the orignal drawing is available. Ask for more details.

The Eraser Curse has been bringing much distress, especially to myself. Nothing has been right since The Eraser Curse has gone public.

The curse came back to haunt me as I did not manage to complete my revision and had to ~~buy~~ take MC for 2 of my papers.

For my first MC I was quite anxious and did not to brush my teeth hoping the doc will not hold me back. It sort of worked as she deuced that I had a tension headache and advised me to rest well and quickly shown me the door.

When its time to get my second MC I was too scared to go back to the first clinic so I went to another one. As the chinese saying goes "First time raw Second time cooked" so this time round I did not even plan what illness I have. I just went into the room.

DOCTOR: Ok boy any allegrry or hospitalisation records?
PATIENT TAN: Nope no nothing.
DOCTOR: Ok, what happened to you?
PATIENT TAN : I got exam later I need MC.
DOCTOR in shock, grasping for air :NO NO! you must tell me why you here. Like headache?
PATIENT TAN: Hmm.. Yea I got headache yesterday.
DOCTOR: OK and so today second day already. got any vomits or giddy?
PATIENT TAN: No.
DOCTOR very scared and quickly suggested: CANNOT CANNOT! You should feel giddy Okay? Ok You feel giddy. Ok so you need MC?
PATIENT TAN: ............Yea.
DOCTOR: 1 or 2 days?
PATIENT TAN: Oh 1 day enough.
DOCTOR: You need any medicine?
PATIENT TAN: Don' t need. MC will do.
DOCTOR look left and right in fear, quickly scribble my name and fill up the NTU form for not fit for exam: Ok you can wait outside. heaved a sigh.

I am sorry if The Eraser Curse has brought you any trouble like it had to me.

THE ERASER CURSE!!!!

2009-04-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

THIS ERASER HAS BEEN CURSED ONCE OPENED YOU MUST VOTE AND SEND IT ON.

What do you see in this Peek-ture?
	I dunch noe.. I am too scared to vote..
	1 pencil, 3 erasers
	1 pencil, 2 erasers, 1 drawing
	1 pencil, 1 eraser, 2 drawings

CASE ONE

Eng Kok [Surname Removed] :She got this email. Rubbish she thought. She deleted it. And now, Eng kok got a GPA of less than 3.142(Pi).

CASE TWO

Chandranakapt S/O **************************************************************[Surname Removed]: He studied hard, voted and but sent this to only 4 people.End up he was late consecutively for 4 papers for his exams. Although everynight he fell asleep early by counting 1-10 in tamil, he still couldn't wake up on time. In the end he have to take MC for all 4 the papers and take away his modules for next semester.

CASE THREE

Thomas [Surname Removed]: Thomas send this to 5 people. Big mistake. He studied for 18hour straight for 10days for his Physics 1 paper, and was very well-prepared, He was lying on his bed watching T.V just the day before the exam to relax. The clock shows '12:01am'. The T.V mysteriously flickered off and Thomas's bedroom lamp flashed on and off several times. It went pitch black, Thomas looked to the left of him and there he was, Sir Issac Newton was standing ther eating apple. The biggest fright of Thomas's life and he couldn't concentrate during the exam and have the module take away as he couldn't finish it in time.

We strongly advise you to vote and paste this blog on. It is seriously NO JOKE. We don't want to see another module take away. ITS YOUR CHOICE... If you send this email to...

NO PEOPLE - You're gonna drop out of school after 6.5years of trying to complete your degree(maximum 7years before they kick you out)

1-5 PEOPLE - Your GPA is gonna be equivalent to your height in metres (1.67m = 1.67 GPA).

5-15 PEOPLE - You will never get your electives of choice.

5 -25 OR MORE PEOPLE - You are safe from THE ERASER CURSE.

2009-04-13T09:50:00.000-07:00

Alrite guys. I have had enough of you people asking where is CRAB TAN. There he is. In C2.

According to the poll IP tracker, the following IP was recorded for choosing C2, but I am not sure if its accurate:

HANCONG - 121.358.23.xxx
KUN HAN - 231.534.341.xxx
EDMUND - 142.452.234.xx
DAWN YANG - 222.438.342.xxx
FELICIA CHIN - 112.238.65.xxx

And I am kind enough not to list out those people who ~~are cock-eyed~~ cannot locate CRAB TAN.

Apparently Dawn Yang and Felicia Chin voted in the poll as well. If the IP tracker is any accurate they are ~~coming over my house to feed ORANGE TAN~~ spot on for CRAB TAN.

This semester I am taking Technical Communications, where we engineers have to learn how to write Extract effectively within 100 word limit.

Sara believes in pratice makes perfect and decided to let me practise my extract writing; And I got into trouble with the law again and I got a summon from the HDB authority. This time round its $100 for parking at the LOADING/UNLOADING BAY

The HDB requires the appeal letter to be less than 2000 letters and luckily I had been paying attention when the teacher was teaching how to write a short and sweet extract. The following is the letter I wrote to them.

To Whom It May Concern,

On xx/xx/2009, I was fined for parking my bike on the Loading/Unloading bay at Block xxx.

On that day, I had offered to give my cousin a ride home on my bike because she had bought a second-hand 21 inch CRT (Cathode Ray Tube ) TV set. Although I had considered parking my bike at the multi storey carpark, my cousin was not able to carry the TV set herself.

Hence, I decided to ride to BLK xxx which is her house and parked at the Loading/Unloading bay. I parked my bike at about 945pm making sure it will not disrupt or cause any inconveniences to other motorist or pedestrians.

However, when I came down from her house about 10mins later, I was fined. I understand HDB is constantly trying to improve the road conditions for the public, and I regret my actions.

As I am unloading an heavy item (CRT TV), I decided to use the designated area which is the Loading/Unloading bay. I believed that the Loading/Unloading bay was meant for people to use when loading or unloading items and I was unloading the heavy TV set from my bike.

As I am still a full time student at NTU and working part time at Turf Club earning my school fees and pocket money, the $100 fine will go a long way for me.

I appreciate your time for reading this.
I managed to write down the full situation in 1500 characters and the HDB took very long to reply my appeal and I only get to know the results recently.

Nevertheless the wait was worthwhile as I manage to save $100.

Crab Hunt

2009-04-04T08:33:00.000-07:00

After posting the benchpress on various forums, I got alot of offers and finally sold it to a Malay for $410 who saw my sale thread on Hardwarezone.com.

He was very happy and thanked me profusely cos' the retail price at Aibi shop is $800.

He even wanted to show me that he is serious about fitness and wanted to do some pushups to prove it but I ~~threatened to sell him at $500 if he dirty my floor~~ rejected him kindly.

$410 is more than enough proof.

Having gained room space and money, I decided to start a new interesting project; I always wanted to own a marine fish tank since ages ago. So after lots of readups and research, I bought the neccessary equipments.

Like a scientist, I test the water regularly for PH level, NACL, NO3, NO4, NH4. I had never been so serious about chemistry before. If I had put in as much effort back in secondary school days, I wouldn't have gotten a C6 for my O levels Chemistry.

After about 2 weeks of testing the water is finally ready to receive its first batch new residents.

Let me introduce the TAN FAMILY to you:

~~CRAP~~ CRAB TAN

TUBEWORM TAN

SHRIMP-LAMPA TAN

And finally the Boss of the tank, ORANGE TAN!

And soon enough emails just poured in expressing interest to feed ORANGE TAN.

SO NOW IS YOUR CHANCE!!

Whoever can spot CRAB TAN in the following picture would be invited to feed ORANGE TAN! ( All paid expenses trip to da house on SARA and fish food will be provided.)

UP FOR GRABS

2009-03-24T13:39:00.000-07:00

Wants to lose weight? Here is your chance! This fabulous piece of equipment will help you lose fats and gain muslces at the same time!

I was skeptical about it too when I saw this advertisment about 2 years ago on the net. At that time I was tipping the scale at 90+kg and my weight starts to give my knees problems and even walking was painful. So I decided to give it a try.

Just after 6months of training and absolutely no need of control of food, I managed to lose 15kg of pure fats with minimum effort. Just once a week and the results are amazing. Its that easy.

And friends start to get jealous of my ~~washboard~~ achievement.

No matter how they beg for my secret to losing weight I just refused to reveal this piece of fantastic machine.

But now is your chance!! I decided to let my bench press go if the price is right! I am looking at around $400 for a start. Please leave your details and I will contact you.

No more Jean-Yip. No more Osim gallop. This is all you need.
I am willing to throw in a free lifetime consultation service.

New Workplace

2009-03-15T21:36:00.000-07:00

The Turf Club office has shifted from Little India to Dhoby Ghaut since two weeks ago. Now I start to miss the riding journey to Little India already. That road has shown me that it is possible for ~~bangalash~~ pedestrians to cross the road even though a bike is 3 metres away from them and travelling at 40km/h. It has brought my lane change and e-brake techniques to a different level. It even made me try to learn Tamil from my Indian friend who taught me some ~~vugarities~~ words. Once I put it to good use by shouting to the pedestrian crossing the road.

I heard from my friends that the whole street is actually a zebra-crossing zone just that the white paints ~~is overwhelmed by the bangalash~~ has worn off and the government have not repaint, so we still need to give way. I am not sure.

My friends also said that's the only street where police won't deduct your license's points if you accidentally knock down any ~~bangalash~~ pedestrian. And on good days the police might even reward you with some points cos' its doing other drivers good. I am not sure either.

Anyway thanks to the need to move all the documents to new office, My supervisor wants me to do the mover work instead of answering calls from punters. Its better to carry heavy boxes than trying to talk to the punters.

After workng there for about 3 months, I concluded that there are mainly three reasons why the punter call in

- wants to confuse you.
- wants to nag at you.
- wants to vent anger at you.

Yesterday I recieved a call.

BLOGGER TAN:"Good morning. Singapore Turf Club"

CALLER: "Arro? TAF Club? I call from SHRIMP LAMPA"

BLOGGER TAN:"Sorry Sir?"

CALLER: "I call from SHRIMP LAM-PA."

BLOGGER TAN:"Sorry Sir?"

CALLER: "SHRIMP LAM -PA."

BLOGGER TAN:"Hmm.. Sri Lanka?"

CALLER: "Yes Yes!"

BLOGGER TAN:"....Ok..How may I help you Sir?"

CALLER: "You all which week got race horse?"

BLOGGER TAN:"We race everyweek."

CALLER: "When?"

BLOGGER TAN:"....Everyweek also got races..."

CALLER: "No no, when got race?"

BLOGGCALLER:"....We have races every wed's, fri's, and weekends."

CALLER: "No no, when race??"

BLOGGER TAN:"....we got races everyweek... coming wed.. fri.. and weekend also got..."

CALLER: "I know I know. when race?"

BLOGGER TAN "...we got races everyweek.. everyweek also got. you wan australia race, malaysia race singa..."

CALLER: "YES YES! Singapore race when?"

BLOGGER TAN:"ok. Singaore races on 18th, 21th blah blah. "

CALLER: "Okok, in singapore?"

BLOGGER TAN:"YES, Singaore race in Singapore, Australia race in australia, malaysia .... "

CALLER: "On when?"

BLOGGER TAN:"Erm.. on 18th, 21th blah blah..."

CALLER: "ok ok too rong already. I call again."

This Sri Lanka crab falls under the "wants to confuse you" category.

Vote to Win!

2009-03-05T11:21:00.000-08:00

I had been recieving over a hundred emails a day requesting for a ride on Sara since I started blogging.

It had been too overwhelming.

So I decided to have a fair contest.

A lucky winner ~~who choose Sara~~ from the winning bike poll will be selected and given unlimted rides for a day.

But before you make the vote, please read the following profile of the bikes and riders who will be chauffeuring you around.

A new day

2009-03-02T07:50:00.000-08:00

The termbreak had ended and all the ambitions of studying this module and finishing that tutorial were just another all talk. To start the week right, I decided to do some exercise after climbing out of the bed and managed to crank out 8 ,~~standard~~ push ups. It felt good and thinking I should visit the gym before the first lesson to maintain that adrenaline pump, I decided to leave house early for the NIE gym.

The carpark was still full of cars, showing how early I was. The sun wasn't fully up in the sky yet and the visibilty was still quite low. Even Sara was pleasantly surprised to see me so early. Looking around me, I took a deep breathe, slowly feel and reached for the most sensitive part of Sara. Amazingly with only one touch she was turned on. Usually I had to press the START button a few times.

The traffic was smooth like silk. It was indeed a good start to the day I thought. So slowly and with rythm I ride Sara. Suddenly out of nowhere, Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker ran across the road; Damn its Rush Hour at PIE now, and I thought I could avoid that at this early hours. The expressway was so packed with vehicles, I managed to save the $2 Mcdonalds' meal and had jam for my breaskfast instead.

After the exciting Rush Hour and delicious jam, I finally got into the gym. It was empty except with a few people already inside. I took a quick glance at all 4 of them. They were the usual gym-goers; 3 skinny bags of bones and 1 bag of lard. Wasting no time I quickly change into my Asadi Dry-feet shirt and hit the weights like there is no tomorrow.

When I am almost done with my last set of benchpress, this guy suddenly appear next to me and said

HI THERE. YOURS BICEP IS NICE. HOW DO YOU TRAIN THEM? I COME TO GYM EVERYDAY BUT MY BICEP IS STILL SMALLER THAN UR EYES.

Well I was quite happy as no one has ever compliement on my muscles before and trying to act I know my stuff well

WELL, BICEPS ARE NOT MADE IN THE GYM. ITS MADE IN THE KITCHEN. YOU NEED TO EAT MORE TO GROW.

He is very impressed with my knowledge and staring at my biceps

ERM CAN I FEEL HOW BIG IS YOUR BICEPS?

ERM.. SURE

Then without any warning he jumped onto my bicep and start to climb. After a good 15 minutes hes only halfway up my bicep. Realising how big my bicep is, he finally gave up and I have to lift him off my bicep to the floor safely. He thanked me furiously and quickly disappeared out the door.

Well, I encounter weird people everywhere but this the first time I seen one in NTU.

Suddenly my left eyelids jumped.

I foreseen something bad is going to happen in NTU.

[ TO BE CONTINUED]

Nice Malaysian Friends

2009-02-25T22:18:00.000-08:00

When I was in Singapore Poly, I have a few malaysian classmates and although their English level are like my Primary ~~One~~ Six standard, they are very hardworking and smart.

I hardly go for classes and when the exams are coming, I would ask them and the Malaysians will use about 3 days to teach me all the stuff the lecturers taught in 15 weeks and I would still doing pretty well. I just pay school fee to take exams.

We don't really ostracise them but one of them has really alot of pimple holes and his body is damn hairy. We had been debating since the day we saw him if he has more pimple holes on his face or more hair on his body and till the day we graduated we still couldn't find the answer.

And since I am really free during Poly times, I decided to use his face for some photoshop practice.

Wong How Ruey

My Plecious

Ma~~lysian-~~tanic

~~Ram~~Rueybo

Too fast Too Malysian

Mi III - Malaysian Impossible 3

Hairy Potter and The Malaysian's Stone

Pirates Of The Malaysia

Letter Writing

2009-02-24T08:34:00.000-08:00

All my English teachers always warn me not to try the persuasive topics in letter writing and once in Sec 3 I decided to try and she failed me.

For 2 years in Army I always had to persuade the Enciks why its not my fault I never bring enough stores or why the men never wake up for breafast or why got 3 generations of spider web behind my cupboard during inspection, I fett I had level up.

To try my persuasive skills again this time round I try to spar with the Traffic Police.

Dear Sir/Madam,

APPEAL FOR PARKING OFFENCE AT xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

With reference to the above, I wish to make an appeal for a traffic summon issued to me on the 17 of January 2009 at Jurong West.

Please refer to the details below:
Car license plate: xxxxxx
Offence location: xxxxxx
Type of Offence: Parking on the grass verge
Notice No: xxxxxx
Date: 17 January 2009
Time: 1949hrs
NIRC: xxxxxxxxxxx

At about 1940hrs on 170109, I had to travel from Nanyang Technological University (NTU) to Jurong West Street 64 Block 669C as I had a tuition session with my student at 2000hrs in his house. However, just as I had left the school compound, I had a terrible stomach ache and felt a very strong urge to relieve myself. Being quite familiar with the area, I knew that Jurong Point Shopping Centre was the nearest washroom along the journey and I would be able to relieve myself. As the pain in my stomach was unbearable and it kept escalating, I assessed that parking my bike in the shopping centre carpark would take up too much time for pain. After contemplating for a quick moment, I decided that I would park the bike at the grass patch beside the pavement, so it would not obstruct the traffic non causing inconvenience to the people walking along the pavement.

After relieving myself and returning to the vehicle about 15 minutes later, I found out I was issued a summon for parking on the grass verge. I truly understand that the Traffic Police is constantly working to make our roads safer for all users and the cooperation from all road users is necessary. I regret that this incident had happen and I am truly trying to relieve my stomach ache as I felt I couldn’t hold it till my student’s house. I shop at Jurong Point frequently and I always park my vehicle appropriately in the carpark no matter short I took.

Sir/Madam, it is not my intention to save the parking fee. On top of the points I mentioned above, I am currently a student still studying at NTU and teaching part-time tuition, and working part time in Turf Club as well. Juggling between my studies and work provides me just enough income to help support myself as my parents were separated and my mother is a housewife.

Thus, I wish to make an appeal of leniency to the matter as I am a first time offender and had to rush to the toilet as fast as I can. I am truly sorry on my oversight and I will try my utmost to adhere to all the stipulated rules and regulations henceforth. Thank you for your kind understanding.

Yours Faithfully,
Blogger Tan

In due to my letter, I recieved a letter from them today.

Dear Sir,

We refer to your letter dated 21/02/209.

We have reviewed your case and note that a traffic ofence has been disclosed but in view of the circumstances, we decided to take no further action against you in this instance. However, a warning will be recorded for our futher reference. We must also caution you not to commit the offence again, failing which we will have no alternative but to take action against you.

You may wish to note that "Park" under the Road Traffic Act means to bring a motor vehicle to a stationary postion and cause it to wait for any puspose other than that of immediately taking up or setting down persons, goods or luggage. This rule applies regardless whether there is someone in the vehicle or not, or whether the engine is running or otherwise.

We would like to urge you to make a conscious effort to comply with all Traffic Rules and Regulations which are made for your safety and that of other road users.

Yours faithfully,
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Not too bad. Miss Wong would be proud of me. And all the letter-writing grades in school doesn't matter now. This letter is worth $70.

ONE MOUNTAIN CANT KEEP 2 BEARS

2009-02-23T11:17:00.000-08:00

Worked on friday and through the weekends. Don't really feel like working but no choice Sara only likes to drink Power98. Sunday work roadshow at Kranji turf club itself and not too bad equalled my personal record and managed to con 9 people to sign up the betting account.

After that pick Bearbear Tan up to Causeway point for dinner and after parking nicely into the parking lot I turned Sara off and suddenly she decided to have the key back. The key just dropped into the bike itself. Yes just drop into the bike engine area. KNN no matter how I shake and finger all the holes still couldn't find the key. This is already my spare key if lost have to change ignition, steering lock and spend a bomb.

Bearbear Tan waited at the side for one hour and was quite pissed cos I spent so much time with Sara infront of her when she was very hungry. So no choice we go eat first and Bearbear Tan ordered me back to Sara while she went shopping. I even took out the seat and all the casing and tilt her to 20 degrees above the ground. Lucky I been going to gym recently.

After about 30 minutes when Bearbear Tan was satisfied with her rounds at the shopping centre, she came back and sat at the side enjoying her bubble tea and watch me execute all the difficult positions with Sara for another 20mins.

Finally Bearbear Tan decided its time to go home tell me to assemble back the bike. Just when I thought I had to take my first MRT ride home in 3 months " WHERE YOU DROP THE KEY." So I told her how I switch off the engine and saw the key slide down the metal case and into the engine area. Looking at me like I'm one walking african catfish she pushed me aside and slowly dig for a 50cent coin with her paws and drop it at exactly where the key vanished. She then summonned me to open the case.Like Shelock Homles she studied thebike compartments and holes " ITS HERE. FASTER TAKE YOUR KEY OUT AND RETURN ME THE 50 CENTS. I WANT TO GO HOME BATH LIAO."

I guess Bearbear Tan is trying to show who's the real lao pang liang and this is a punishment for working through the weekend and never spend enough time with her.

What is the order of the food shown above, from top to bottom?
	Naan, Chapatti, Roti, Roti prata
	Roti, Roti prata, Chapatti, Naan
	Chapatti, Roti, Naan, Roti prata
	I dun care, can give me the name of the Mcdonald Girl?
	I dun care, can give me the name of the Hot Male?

pollcode.com free polls

WHAT IS AMISS IN THE PEEKTURE?
	1 fake pin.
	1 fake pin, 1 fake stapler bullet.
	1 fake pin, 2 fake stapler bullets.
	1 fake pin, 3 fake stapler bullets.
	The only thing amiss is I miss you.

pollcode.com free polls

What is this?
	Baby stingray
	Sand Plant
	StarFish
	Snail
	Nice try. just another photochop

Where is CRAB TAN ?
	You dun fake me! He's not inside!
	B1
	B2
	B3
	C1
	C2
	C3
	D1
	D2
	D3

Are you interested in buying this owning machine?
	HELL YEA! I would offer any price to buy this!
	NO WAY. Its bullshit. All photochop.
	I dun care!! u are one sexy shrimp!!